We'll Always Remember
by surrendersomething
Summary: Chapter 8 (Valentine's Chapter) up! (Carter&Abby) the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.
1. Whenever You Call

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We'll Always Remember

Author's Notes: Well here we are at the start of what I'm affectionately calling my _"summer masterpiece."_ Possibly, by the end, I will have different sentiments. But whatever…this is what stops me going sane over the summer. And for the first time I decided to share it with you guys. So…you know the drill…read, hopefully enjoy…and let me know what you think, what you would like to see improved, what you would like to see happen. I've got it planned **_up to_** a certain point, but after that we're going on my gut feelings when I start each chapter!! Don't forget to e-mail me with anything (about this story or not!) on surrender_something@hotmail.com. Finally, I owe one person the **biggest** thanks. Brooke, you're a star girl!! Complete star. Thanks for all the ideas, the support, for reading this through before I post…and just for being brilliant! And for sitting there at ridiculous hours in the morning just so I could "discuss" my ideas (you insomniac! Not that I'm complaining) I owe you big time.

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Disclaimer: I borrowed them. They will be returned in pristine condition, when the end arrives. Till then…they're here to act out the products of my imagination. Please don't sue…_pretty please!_

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart…with a bit of Susan Lewis definitely planned, and I'm sure that others will creep in at some point in the near future.

****

Rating: I'm gonna go with PG-13, although at the moment it's probably only PG. Like I said, I have plans for this story…

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Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown"/the whole of series 9.

****

Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of pivotal moments charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

Enjoy!!

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Chapter 1: Whenever You Call

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(Abby's POV)

A clap of thunder crashes through the silence, making its presence well and truly felt. I can only watch as the mug shatters into tiny pieces as it hits the floor, illuminated by the eerie blue flash as the lightening cuts, unasked, through the night sky. 

Damn the stupid thunderstorm. I mean, it's not as if anyone actually enjoys _this_ particular weather phenomenon, is it?

I don't think there's a single redundant light in this apartment right now. Ridiculous insecurities. Although I've got to admit, the knowledge that there are candles in the middle drawer is somewhat reassuring. Just in case. I've learnt from experience that you can never be too…

Argh. Bloody thunder, making me jumpy. It could at least give _me_ a prior warning before it makes an appearance…I mean, it's not that much to ask. Just a simple "prepare yourself" and I'd be fine. But nooo, weather wouldn't be that polite.

Hhmm. I think the living room is a safer bet. Nothing breakable in here…well, nothing that I can get my hands on anyway. 

Why is the foetal position considered comforting throughout your life? I mean…whenever someone's scared, anxious, worried…it's a pretty safe bet that you'll find them curled up, knees pulled up to their chest, arms wrapped round knees…generally staring at something they want to do but can't…or need to do but won't. 

Okay, I admit it. I'm guilty of that right now. The object I'm staring at? The phone. The person I want to call? Dr Carter. Dr John Carter…chief resident. But more than that he's just John. John Carter…my friend, my confidant I guess. 

I can't call Susan…we've not been friends for that long, I'm not quite ready to reveal this much to her. I can't call Eric either…he may be the obvious choice, but he's somewhere in Saudi Arabia so…bang goes that plan. 

But John…he'd understand. He knows the extent of my family…problems. He's witnessed the affect it can have first-hand. And…I don't know. I guess he's just got the kind of personality that makes you feel safe. 

Yeah. I'll call John. 

Christ. I'm such a wreck. My hands are shaking so much it makes dialling the numbers pretty difficult. 

'John Carter speaking…' Oh crap. I've woken him up…brilliant. 

'John? It's Abby' Christ. I _sound_ like a wreck too. Nice going, Abby.

'Uhh hey…something wrong?' he asks, the sleepiness disappearing from his voice.

'No…no. Why would anything be wrong?' 

'Well it is…a quarter to twelve Abby. You're not prone to making midnight calls, in my experience at least' 

'Do you think thunderstorms are scary?' Well, I'm hardly gonna just admit to it straight out am I?

'Not particularly…Do you?'

'Not in the slightest…' Sure. That tone of voice will convince him Abby. 

'So…what's up?'

'Shit!' I draw in a sharp intake of breath and release it as an expletive as the entire apartment is plunged into darkness.

'Abby?' 

'I just…the lights, went out…' I manage to say as I search for the flashlight I know I hid around here somewhere…

'Are you okay?'

'I'm…no, not really' It's happening again. The whole darkness thing…it's just like a repeat of last time, except I'm alone. 'Can you…I mean, if it's not…'

'I'll be right there' 

He understands. I knew he would…

…

57 minutes. That's how long the stupid storm has lasted. And the last…17 minutes of that has been in darkness. I don't trust myself near candles, let alone the matches to light the candles…so the flashlight has to do. 

Maybe it's getting further away…that rumble seemed quieter than the rest…Because_ that_ was the thunder. Which means that noise must have been…the door. John. He's here.

Door. Where's the door? Ah, over there…

'Hey…'

'Abby? Abby what's wrong?' 

'I just…' I'm gonna cry, if I look at him much longer. He looks so concerned… so worried. It's weird. I'm meant to be the one who's strong, but his just being here is making me crumble. I gesture aimlessly, walking across the room, leaning against the wall. 

Shit. Thunder…my legs can't take much more of this. They're gonna give way…and as I sink down to the floor, he walks over, having obviously put two and two together and come up with four. And it's the foetal position again…its as if it's the answer to everyone's problems. If only it was that simple. I feel him sit down next to me, linking his hand with mine, squeezing gently.

I guess I made the right choice. 

'Abby? What's wrong…tell me' 

It's happening all over again…I wish the memories would go away, I really do…but I know they'll haunt me my whole life, no matter how hard I try to forget. Every time there's a thunderstorm, it's like I'm instantly transported back to that moment…I still remember it, like it was yesterday.

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**Flashback**

'Don't leave! Mom, please don't leave' thirteen-year-old Abby pleaded as her mom headed, determined, for the front door…yet again. Abby ran after her, grabbing hold of her hand in a vain attempt to stop her path of destruction.

'Let go Abby!' Maggie screamed, yanking her hand from her daughter's grip.

'No! You're not going. You're not leaving us again!' Abby yelled, furiously. Eric's screams filled the silence – after all, you couldn't expect a five-year-old to understand what was going on. 'I'm going to look after **my** brother' she announced, voice loaded with sarcasm. 'Don't you dare leave mom, I mean it.' She began her ascent up the stairs, and heard the resounding slam of the front door, as Maggie left. Banging her head against the wall, Abby cursed under her breath.

'Abby, Abby…Abbbby!' her brother's cries again filled her ears.

'I'm coming Eric, I'm coming!' she called. Eric had long ago stopped calling for his mommy when he woke up in the night – he'd learnt that Abby was the one who always came. 'Come here baby' she whispered, flicking on the light and holding out her arms to her brother. He flew into her arms and she held his trembling body tightly as a clap of thunder tore through the silence. 

'Where's mommy?' he asked through the tears streaming down his face. Abby crouched down, wiping them away gently, ruffling his hair slightly. 

'Mommy's gone out for a bit' she whispered, rubbing his arms gently. 

'When's she coming back?' his voice quivered as he looked into Abby's eyes. Not getting an answer, he pressed her further. 'Is she coming back?'

'Oh baby…I don't know. I don't know…' she whispered, holding him close as the lightening brought a bluish tinge to the sky momentarily. 'Sshh…you want to come and sleep in my room tonight?' she asked softly. Receiving a nod from the little boy, she lifted him up, carrying him through to her room. A sad smile crossed her face as she watched him crawl into her bed – her little brother who didn't know what it was like to grow up with a mom who loved him. She climbed into bed, wrapping her arms round Eric as she pulled the comforter around them. 

'Why doesn't mommy love us Abby?' his voice trembling slightly on the word love. Abby bit her lip, kissing his forehead as she felt tears spring to her eyes. Just as she opened her mouth to respond, everything went black. 

Eric screamed, because more than anything, the darkness terrified him. Ever since Maggie left them for the first time, he'd refused to go to sleep without a nightlight. And with every scream Abby's heart broke that little bit more. Because she loved him more than anything, but she didn't know what to do to help him.

The most tremendous crash slammed through the silence, sending Eric into a fresh flood of tears as Abby's heartbeat raced. She wanted to call someone – a neighbour, friend…just someone who could be there. But she couldn't move. She physically couldn't move, because she didn't know what she'd find if she did…and she didn't want Eric to know she was scared…

So she did the only thing she knew how to do, and whispered 'we're going to be okay…' over and over again as she held him close, the darkness engulfing them, slowly taking away all ideas of love being a positive thing…

**End Flashback**

(Carter's POV)

I honestly don't think I've ever seen someone so terrified before. But then again it's not actually terror, it's like some force that's caught hold and won't let go. I can't see fear in her eyes, just bad memories…

'Abby…' I say softly, tilting her chin up so she's looking at me, her tears glistening as they threaten to fall.

'I have to…I have to tell someone' she whispers, gripping onto my hand as if it is her only lifetime. And all I can do is listen, as she paints a picture so vivid I can almost feel what she must have been feeling them. As she describes a situation no two children should _ever _have to go through…but it amazes me. It amazes me that she's such a…unique, extraordinary person because of what happened. That she's so strong on the outside, when inside there's still this frightened thirteen-year-old who's scared to love because she loved her mom so much and only ended up feeling frightened, alone…and hurt. 

'Oh Abby…' I whisper, pulling her close…because I know that the only thing I can offer her right now is comfort. I can't take away the memories of that time of her life, however much I want to. 

'I wasn't ready for that responsibility…it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair on Eric, and it wasn't fair on me. I wanted to hate her for it John…I really, really wanted to hate her at that moment, when we were sitting there in the pitch black. But I couldn't…because I loved her too much. Despite everything that she did, I loved her.' 

It breaks my heart to hear the raw emotion and the pain in her voice as she looks up at me, biting her lip as she searches for the strength to continue. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she wraps her arms around them…and in my mind it just serves as another reminder of the walls she's built up around herself to keep herself safe from the pain she believes comes from love. 

'Eric…he always asked me, "does mommy still love us?" and you know, I couldn't give him an answer. I couldn't even answer that question for myself. When she did eventually come rolling back in' she pauses, her voice catching slightly as she is gripped by the memories. 'He'd run up and start hitting her leg, and yell as loud as his little lungs would let him that he hated her and never wanted to talk to her ever again. He'd run into his room and slam the door.' A hint of bitterness creeps into her voice as she continues. 'Maggie would go up there and use some twisted powers of persuasion in order to win him round…only to turn round two weeks later and break his heart once again' 

Right at this moment I feel like hating Maggie as well. It's just another reminder of how much damage one person can do to a life, sometimes indirectly – I know it wasn't Maggie's fault that she behaved like this, and she can't have known the effect it would have on Abby. The fact that Abby was scared of thunderstorms actually seemed quite trivial at first, but now I realise that it was just triggered by all the underlying anger and fear coming to the surface…

She's still talking. Listen, John. This is important.

'…And in a way it hurt because he always called for me if he was having a nightmare or he couldn't get to sleep…I guess with age came knowledge and he grew to realise she couldn't…or wouldn't, care about us.' She's actually crying now, but she's continuing, because she physically can't carry this around with her any longer. 'I was the one he celebrated with, the one he laughed with, cried with…and I was the one who loved him. He used to tell me he felt different to the other kids because he had me looking after him, not his mom' 

'You did a great job' I offer softly, wiping the tears from her cheeks gently. She gives me a weak smile, before gripping my hands again as a clap of thunder leaves her breathless. 

'The day…the day I left…the look on his face, it nearly stopped me from going. Because I knew I was taking away the only thing he'd ever been able to rely on, and that broke my heart. Because we both knew things would never be the same again. I always used to hide the fact that I was scared, because I had to be strong for him…but at that moment I was scared. I knew I was breaking the bond we had…and I was loosing the only person who could make me feel better' I rub her arm gently as she leans against me, exhausted. When she speaks again, her voice is softer, more vulnerable…

'He's the only person I've ever really loved, John…because he was the one person I knew would love me back unconditionally as we both knew the pain that hate could cause…'

That's it. One person has caused all that in two lives…it's just not fair. I haven't been able to see the fairness in life for a while now, but now all I can see is hurt. Hurt caused by loving someone, by hating someone, by illness… and it sometimes gets to the point where I really can't see the point because nothing ever really seems to turn out well. 

I sigh, and stand up, holding out my hands to Abby. She takes them and lifts herself up off the floor, giving me a questioning look. 'You look like you need sleep' I explain, and she gives me a grateful smile and nods slightly towards the bedroom door. 

'Thank you. I just…thank you' her voice is barely louder than a whisper as we reach the bedroom door, but I know that my just being here gave her the confidence she needed to tell someone that. 

'Are you gonna be okay?' I ask, tilting my head slightly. She looks as though she's about to say yes, when there's another clap of thunder and bolt of lightening in quick succession, and she's back in my arms, whispering

'Don't leave John…please don't leave' 

'I won't Abby, I won't leave' I promise, pushing open the door and guiding her into the bedroom gently. She nods, and I pull back the covers of her bed, gesturing for her to lie down. As she does, I sit on the edge of her bed, tucking her hair behind her ear. 'Get some sleep. I won't leave you…I'm here, okay?'

She nods, slipping relatively easily into a peaceful slumber…and she looks so innocent, it's hard to believe she's the same person I witnessed tonight. But I know she is…because I'd love to take that fear away, but I know I'll never be able to. 

Right now I'll settle for being there for her if she needs me. I'd do anything for her…she means that much to me. I won't ask her to give more, because I know she can't…maybe one day she'll decide she can…

And I'll be waiting.

…

Funny isn't it, that coffee's the international remedy for tiredness. And how people stare into the murky depths of their cup, desperately searching for answers they know they'll never find in a cup of liquid. Which I suppose, is what I'm doing now. Although I'm not actually searching for answers…just thinking. I would say pondering the meaning of life, although I think I've already decided that…basically lots of hurt and pain. 

Reminds me of what Luka said at that sexual harassment seminar…

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"You, know, we're all waiting, for what? For fulfillment, love, validation, approval? It's a waste of time. Life is an empty, hollow exercise filled with pain, loss, and grief, and the only thing we can expect to achieve in our lives is our own inevitable death."

The one image that keeps replaying over and over in my mind is that of her face as she was sitting there, playing the memories over and over in her head. It amazes me that she manages to keep such a strong façade up when they must run through her head when she's least expecting it. Maybe she's decided it's better to keep it under wraps…I don't know. 

'Hey…' her soft greeting stuns me out of my thoughts, and I stand up, turning to face her. She certainly doesn't look so vulnerable this morning. I guess the façade's back up. Hair swinging in a loose ponytail, jeans and a black shirt complementing the whole _in-control_ thing she's got going. 

'How are you feeling?' I ask, stopping in front of her. She gives me a small smile, lifting her hands up in a general gesture.

'You know…better. Thank you. For everything' I nod, and hold out my arms to her. She smiles again, moving to wrap her arms round my waist, resting her head against my chest. My hands move up and down her back gently, her deep, even breaths almost soothing. Eventually she pulls away, leaning up and placing a gentle kiss on my cheek. 'I mean it. Not many people would've hung around…' 

'As long as you're okay' there it goes again. The idea that no one can really care for her, or…well, not help her, but support her I guess. 

'I am. It just…comes back to haunt me, you know. And other times it's worse than others. Last night was just…one of those nights. But…I just; I don't know…telling someone. It makes it easier to deal with' she smiles, tangling her fingers together as she looks up at me, sincerity reflected in her eyes. 

'I…I'm glad you felt you could tell me' I say with a slight shrug, my hands still resting gently on her hips.

'I wouldn't have told anyone but you.'

I guess I was wrong…maybe she hasn't built up that façade again. Not that I'm complaining…


	2. Things I Have To Say

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We'll Always Remember

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Author's Note: Well here we are at the start of Chapter two, and it's officially an exam free zone! So I thought we'd celebrate by cracking open the champagne and having a little party… or with chapter two of this? Ready to delve a little further into the relationship? Well look no further :) And Brooke, hunny you've been great! A beta reader with a difference – love ya loads! Thanks for the encouraging comments, everyone who's reviewed – I hope you enjoy this chapter as much! Don't hesitate to leave a review, or e-mail me at surrender_something@hotmail.com – I don't live on the reviews, but they are greatly received! But, without further ado…

Disclaimer: I borrowed them. They will be returned in pristine condition, when the end arrives. Till then…they're here to act out the products of my imagination. Please don't sue…_pretty please!_

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart…with a bit of Susan Lewis definitely planned, and I'm sure that others will creep in at some point in the near future.

****

Rating: I'm gonna go with PG-13, although at the moment it's probably only PG. Like I said, I have plans for this story…

****

Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown"/the whole of series 9.

****

Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

Enjoy!

*****

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Chapter 2: Things I Have To Say

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(Carter's POV)

There must be some magnetic force that draws us to this spot time and time again. I think I've lost track of the number of important conversations we've had here…the number of nights we've ended up here, not particularly wanting to go home. Or met before our shifts to put the world to rights, so to speak. More so since that night outside the Lava Lounge. 

It's quite easy to tell her mood. If she's sitting on the bench, cup of coffee gripped in her hands, she's avoiding something or someone. If she's leaning against the railing with her back to the river, she's getting impatient…generally because I'm late. But if she's leaning on the railings, staring out at the gently rippling water, there's something wrong. 

Like today. 

'What's up?' I ask, coming to a halt beside her and holding out her coffee. 

'The temperature?' she offers dryly, taking the coffee with a grateful smile, bringing the scalding liquid to her lips. 'I just…you know, today felt like it would never end' 

'Don't feel much like going home?' I ask, gripping the polystyrene cup in my hands in the vague hope that its heat might spread to the rest of my body. 

'What's at home?' she asks with a shrug. 'Dark, cold apartment? Some crappy late-night movie? A take-out menu?' I give her a small smile as I take up her stance, elbows resting on the railing; eyes focused on the water. She certainly knows how to paint a pretty depressing picture when she wants to. 

'Well I'm sure there's some sort of moral behind _"When Harry Met Sally,"_ if you think hard enough' I say, giving her a brief glance before returning my gaze to the water's surface.

'Sure, that a man and woman can't just be friends, there'll always be something more?' she deadpans, meeting my gaze as she realises the significance of what she's just said. Maybe that was a bad film to pick. At least if I'd said _"Shrek" _it would have had no relation to us. She gives another small shrug and tosses her empty cup into the nearby trash can. I follow suit, watching as the cup sails into the trash can. 

As we turn back to the river, she takes my hand, using it to focus my attention on an elderly couple on the opposite bank. His arm rests around her waist as they carry on a conversation. I look back at Abby, confused.

'They're here every Thursday, without fail. Sometimes they just stand there, content with being together I guess. Other times they talk, and it looks as though they never run out of things to say. It's fascinating…that their bond can be that strong. It must be something really special to have, don't ya think?' she explains softly, returning her gaze to my face with her final question. 

'I guess…that it's something you'll only experience once in your life with one person. They're lucky – they look as though they've held onto it for a long time' I've got to agree with her. It looks pretty amazing. 'You want something like that eventually?' Well it was begging to be asked. 

'I think every girl dreams about that at some point in their life. You know the whole being swept off into the sunset idea? But then something will undoubtedly happen and all your dreams will be shattered, crumbled, in a heap around your feet' she says, with a small sigh. 'I just…I don't know, the whole idea of contentment, having that strong a bond with someone' she points to the couple again, and it's at this point I realise our hands are still joined, 'You know, its something I would like to have, yeah. The passion, the commitment…someone who you know will be there unconditionally. Who'll love you despite your faults…' She gives a small laugh, 'you must think I'm hopeless' 

'Hopeless? Why, for wanting to be happy?' I ask, tilting my head slightly. She glances away, a small smile crossing her face before she looks back, rolling her eyes slightly. 

'Still holding onto that elusive dream after all the crap I've seen' she points out. 'Plus, it makes returning to an empty apartment kinda hard' she adds, sweeping her hair out of her face. 

'It'll happen for you someday' I say softly, returning to my vigil over the now still waters of the river. Out of the corner of my eye I see her shake her head and stare down at her hands as she grips the railings. 

'I don't think…' 

'What?' I ask softly. She's always doing that – starting a sentence, then coming to a complete halt. It's quite cute actually, but only serves to accentuate her uncertain tendencies. I gesture for her to continue as she looks up at me…and there's something different about the look in her eyes. Another one of those forces…there seems to be so many different ones in her life. 

'…that anyone would want to be with me right now. I mean it's not that long since I fell somewhat spectacularly off the wagon John…' she whispers. Ah, we're back to the drinking. I thought that might be the root of her seemingly unprovoked moments of reflection here. But, I wanted her to be the one to initiate the subject. 

So I stay silent. 

I can see that it's hard for her to talk about – I know that from the times we've sat in Doc Magoo's lingering over hot fudge sundaes as she struggles to find the words…but I know that all the questions I want to ask wouldn't help right now. This has got to be something she does for herself, not for me.

'I just feel like I'm not in control of my own life at the moment, like other things are determined to rule. I never…I never wanted to start drinking again. I wanted to be past that' she stops, rubbing her temples gently. 'It was always like my backup plan, whenever things got _so_ bad that I had nowhere else to turn. And no matter how hard I try; I can't seem to break the habit…can't seem to find a new backup plan. And I can't do it on my own anymore' Well, you know, sometimes we all need a little help along the way. 

'I'll be your backup plan' I offer gently. 'I can't do this for you, it's got to be for you, because of you. But…I can be a pretty good support system, a shoulder to cry on, whatever…' She glances up at me, and she actually looks truly touched. 

'I…you'd do that, for me?' she asks, her voice sounding slightly choked. I nod, and she allows a small smile to cross her lips. 'No one's…ever offered to do things for me like you keep doing. I don't know how you don't get sick of me'

'I'd guess you're a pretty hard person to forget Abby, a pretty hard person to handle being sick of. Not to mention the fact that I wouldn't be the person I am today if it wasn't for you doing what you knew was right. But I'm serious, you can get through this…and I'll be right behind you the whole way' 

'Kinda like a…sponsor?' she asks, looking sort of dubious. I shrug, remembering how our last attempt at the sponsor/dependent relationship turned out. You could describe it as a complete and utter failure. Maybe that's _not_ the best way to describe it.

'Not exactly. I was going more for your support system…I don't like the whole sponsor thing, it damn near ruined our relationship before. Maybe it doesn't have to have a title.' I shrug, realising that I'm rambling…but at least it elicited a smile. 

'Okay, you'll be called _untitled_ from now on' she says with a laugh. 'I can deal with that' I smile and pull her scarf tighter round her neck as she shivers slightly. 'Our relationship will be _untitled_…and maybe someday it'll be more' she whispers, that uncertain look crossing her face again.

Whoa.

Hang on a minute. Did she just say what I think she just said? Is she standing right in front of me, that curly mass of brown hair flying around her face, that half smile on her lips, that questioning look in her eyes…telling me she wants more?

'You…I…we…' I shrug, throwing my hands into the air as I fight to keep the smile from dancing across my lips. She laughs slightly at my attempt to string a sentence together and takes it as a chance to finish what she was saying. 

'I think that it's an attraction I've been denying for a long time, John. And I think that we're getting closer to it being the right time.' Oh that's definitely a smile on her face. She's gorgeous when she smiles…when she laughs…okay, not the time to think about that John. 

'You think…' I appear to have lost the mechanism to form complete sentences. 'Are you saying what I think you're saying?' She laughs, giving a slight shake of her head to relegate her hair to its resting position behind her shoulders.

'In a way. I guess that what I'm trying to say is…' she pauses, her face taking on a slightly more serious expression. 'That I can't commit to this right now ...you have no idea how much I want to, but I just can't. I need to get the whole drinking thing under control…under _my _control, otherwise I'd feel as though I was being unfair on you, and putting too much pressure on myself at the same time. Pressure to be someone I'm not. And I don't want to do that, because...' she pauses at this, and looks up at me. '...When it does happen, I want to be able to enjoy it…cause I know its going to be indescribable.' she stops, and shrugs her shoulders slightly, before adding quietly 'I just need a little time...'

There are really no words to describe this woman. There's nothing she can do that ceases to amaze me. And there are no words to describe the way I feel about her, except that she manages to evoke some emotion I didn't know I was capable of feeling, just by being herself. There are no pretences between us. We're comfortable enough to be ourselves around one another, not constantly trying to be the person we think the other wants us to be. 

'I'll wait for you Abby, as long as it takes I'll wait for you...I promise' I say softly, opening my arms to her. She doesn't hesitate to step forward, and we stand there, arms wrapped round one another as we're caught up in our own thoughts. When she eventually looks up at me, I swear there are tears glistening in her eyes. She opens her lips and looks down, before whispering

'Promise me you won't break my heart John Carter...I don't think I could take it...' as her smile grew once again, the tears even closer to falling. She links her hands with mine and I squeeze them gently, kissing her forehead lightly. 

'Never…' I promise, taking a moment to capture the image on her face before pulling her close again, inhaling her unforgettable scent, a cross between vanilla and some exotic spice. We may be taking the undeniably long and winding road…

But after all, we've got the rest of our lives to get this right.


	3. To Trust Someone

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We'll Always Remember

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Author's Notes: Firstly, I want to apologise for the lack of updates. This chapter was a horror to write, and when you add to that the fact that I've just started my first job and I've been on holiday for a week (sunning myself in the lovely Malta…and swimming with dolphins too!) …well, it's kinda understandable isn't it? Anyway, better late than never, and it gives me great pleasure to present to you…Chapter 3! Like I said, it was awful to write, and I'm not as pleased with it as I could be but…y'know, nothing's ever perfect right? Anyway…Brooke hunny you've always been a first class beta, but even more so with this chapter – thanks for all the help when I've been stuck in the rut that is writers block! Anyway, don't forget to e-mail any comments or suggestions to surrender_something@hotmail.com and most of all, enjoy this chapter! 

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Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah. We all I know I own nothing. Well, actually I'm working now so I'm earning money but…nah, it'd never be enough to buy the wonder that is John Carter and Abby Lockhart (aka Noah Wyle and Maura Tierney!)

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart…with a bit of Susan Lewis definitely planned, and I'm sure that others will creep in at some point in the near future.

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Rating: I'm gonna go with PG-13, although at the moment it's probably only PG. Like I said, I have plans for this story…

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Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown"/the whole of series 9.

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Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

So without further ado…

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Chapter 3: To Trust Someone 

__

(Abby's POV)

'Trauma coming in – thirteen-year-old girl with sustainable head injuries. ETA 9 minutes' Chuny announces as I drop what must be at least my tenth chart of the day down on the desk – and I'm not even halfway through my shift yet. Lovely quiet day _this_ is turning out to be. 

'I got it' John announces – I swear the guy thrives on trauma…it's quite disconcerting at times, if I'm honest. I take a sip of much-needed coffee and settle in to watch as he pauses to clear a name from the board whilst glancing around, presumably in search of a nurse. And three guesses who he picks? 'Abby?' 

'Sure, whatever' I sigh, resigning myself to the fact that I'm not gonna get my caffeine boost just yet. I chuck him a gown and grab one for myself along with a couple of pairs of gloves, before following him into the ambulance bay. He turns and gives me _that _grin, and…oh right, this is the moment where I'm meant to melt and go rushing into his arms? 

Yeah. That one's _so_ not gonna happen today. 

I stifle a yawn as I tug the gown over my head, careful not to upset the clip precariously securing my hair in place…and damnit why is he still looking at me? He has no idea whatsoever how unnerving he can be at times.

'Quit doing that' I mutter, pulling my gloves on.

'Doing what exactly?' Ohh, the smart-ass routine. He want's to play _that_ game. Well John Carter, you're about to find out that Abby Lockhart can give as good as she gets. 

'You know exactly what' I respond, walking behind him to tie the back of his gown…and so he can't see the grin on my face. 

'If…_if_…I had the faintest idea what you were talking about, I'd try and stop. But I don't. Maybe you'd care to let me in on the topic of conversation here Abby?' Oh for Christ's sake nothing with him can ever be simple can it? Given the option of the simple five minute task over the lengthy two hour job…I swear he'd pick the two hour one every single time. 

'That thing with your eyes' I reluctantly inform him as I turn round to let him tie the back of my gown. I feel a hand on my arm and before I know it I'm facing him again, confronted by that little dog lost routine he's got going. You know the one, the puppy dog eyes; the slight tilt of the head; the raised eyebrow; the hint of a cheeky grin…you've seen that before, right?

Fine, fine maybe I spend a little too much time watching him. Hey, a girl's got to get her pleasures from somewhere. And he's not exactly an eyesore to watch…

Get a grip Abby. Get. A. Grip.

'You know, you just stare at someone continuously. It's bloody unnerving to tell the truth…oh stop it with the puppy dog eyes' I laugh, patting his cheek gently as he tries to look wounded.

'Oh right, and Little Miss Perfect's never guilty of that I suppose?' 

'_Moi? _Why of course not' I toss over my shoulder as I step into the sun, shielding my eyes in order to look up at the surprisingly blue sky. Funny that. Always happens when I'm working. 

He's behind me. Don't ask how I know, I just do. 

'So, this friend of mine is opening his own restaurant tonight, and he offered me a table. Only problem is…' Aha. _Now_ we get to the crunch of the matter. This is why he's being so very nice. 

'Poor little Carter needs a date?' I mock, refusing to turn and face him. 'Some trophy date who you can show off to all your rich friends and then dump the second you get out of the restaurant?' 

'No, no Abby…' Oh the joy. He's gotta be the easiest person in the state of Chicago to wind up. 

'It was a joke John, relax' 

'Nice. That's real nice Abby' he says accusingly, but I turn round all too soon and catch the grin on his face. 'So you'll come?' 

'How posh is this restaurant?' 

'Not posh. It's kinda…smart casual' Uh uh. Not getting into this again, and definitely not making a fool out of myself like the last time he persuaded me to go some place with him. No way. This nurse isn't _that_ stupid. 

'And say I take your smart casual comment literally. This wouldn't by any chance be one of those occasions where I'd say, dress smart casual, and then you turn up in a tux would it?' 

'Would I do that to you?'

'Now let me think…yes?' trust me. John Carter may play the whole naïve card, but let me tell you he most certainly is not the innocent little boy he tries to be. Ah he's laughing…but damn he has the sexiest laugh. It's all soft and low and actually quite seductive. 

'I promise. It's not posh…' 

'Okay okay if it'll make you happy I'll come' I really am guilty of speaking before my brain's done processing what I'm about to say. That's the whole _"Abby Lockhart gives as good as she gets"_ gone flying out the window. Goodbye resolve. It was nice knowing ya. 

'It's a date. A first date, come to think of it' Whoa. Did I miss something here? Since when did dating come into any of this? Sure, we agreed that we felt more than just friendship…but after two years I reckon we could bypass the whole _dating_ notion, don't you think? 

'Nooo. I think…that we're past all that dating nonsense John. _Especially_ that first date crap. I mean, we basically already know everything there is to know which defeats the whole first date idea' I explain with a smile on my face, as the rig pulls in. I feel him lean close, close enough that I can feel his breath on the back of my neck.

'You're in an incredibly good mood today…would that be down to anyone in particular?' he murmurs, giving me a gentle push towards the rig. 

'Wouldn't you like to know' I counter, giving him a wink before jogging over to open the ambulance doors. 

'Katy Matthews, thirteen years old, suffered severe head trauma in some sort of fall. Neighbours found her, called 911. She's got a GCS of 9, pulse of 62, BP of 130 over 100. Intubated on way' the paramedic calls authoritatively.

'Okay trauma one quick as we can' John announces, and they head towards the entrance. I make to follow them, but my attention is caught. Standing just in front of the ambulance and clearly forgotten about is a little boy, with tears falling down his cheeks. In actual fact, he looks a lot like Eric used to look… 'Abby NOW!' John yells, bringing me back to reality.

'Get Chuny or Malik!' I yell back at him, and when he notices the little boy he gives me a small nod before running through the doors, asking for help. I crouch down in front of him and take off my gloves, shoving them into my pocket. 'Hi there. My name's Abby…can you tell me yours?' 

'Adam' he whispers, catching his lip between his teeth as the tears continue to flow. 

'Okay Adam, are you hurt anywhere?' he points silently to his wrist, eyes fixed on my face. 'Okay sweetheart, we'll go make it better and find out how your sister's doing, yeah?' I ask, standing up and holding out a hand to him. When he doesn't move I lean over, lifting him up as he wraps his legs round my waist, burying his head into my shoulder. 'Hey Frank what's open?' 

'Uhh try exam 2' 

'Cheers' I offer a small smile and make my way to exam two, shielding Adam's eyes as I bypass trauma one, where Katy has the complete attention of John, Gallant _and_ Dr Corday. And to be honest it doesn't look too good, judging from the looks on their faces. 

Why does it always happen to the little kids? Life really sucks sometimes, and sometimes it sucks even more than that. 

'Where's Katy?! I want Katy!' Adam cries, releasing a fresh bout of tears as I sit him down in exam two. I drag a stool over and sit in front of him, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

'The doctors are working on her sweetie, they're taking real good care of her. Can I have a look at your wrist?' his head bobs up and down as he sticks his arm out in front of him, tears falling slower now. 

'Oww!' he whimpers, gazing up at me. 

'I'm sorry, I know it hurts Adam but you have to be brave, yeah? Can you be brave for me?' he nods and allows me to look at his wrist with minimal whimpering. I lean over and grab a kids-size gown from the pile in the corner of the room. 'Now I want you to change into this, and we're going to get a big machine to take pictures of your wrist to see if it's broken okay?' 

'Can I see Katy then?' he asks, extending his arms into the air so that I can lift his T-shirt over his head. 

'I'm not sure sweetie, but I'm sure you'll see her real soon okay?' I reassure him, and as I pull his top over his head, I see them. Big reddish-purple bruises marring his otherwise pale skin. Dotted over his abdomen, his upper arms, a couple on his back…every single one in a place where they couldn't be discovered. 

Damn. 

'Adam, can you tell me where you got these bruises from?' 

'No, no…no! I'll get in trouble, she said if I told people…they'd get worse' he whispered agitatedly, a fresh stream of tears pouring from his eyes. 

'You're safe here Adam, no one's going to hurt you. Now who's _she_?'

'…Mommy' he whispers, with a hint of knowledge and maturity that just shouldn't be present in a five-year-old boy. 

I take a deep breath to steady my emotions – this is just too similar to things I've been through. The exact same age difference between Adam and Katy, and Eric and me. All with a mother who's abusive…in different ways, granted, but abuse nonetheless. 

I sigh and slide his T-shirt back down, ruffling his hair gently. 

'Everything's gonna be just fine Adam, I promise you. I'm just going to go talk to someone, and check on your sister. I'll just be right outside, and I'll only be a couple of minutes' I say, watching as he curls up into a little ball, catching a brief nod of his head in response to my statement. 

I step out of the room, giving the door a gentle tug so that it swings shut, just as John elbows his way out of trauma one, ripping his gloves off in one swift move. 

One look in his eyes and I know it's bad news. Mind you I'm sure he's getting much the same message from my own eyes.

'Time of death 15:42' he says softly, holding his hands out in a wide gesture. 'Uncontrollable bleeding to the brain…she didn't really stand a chance, whatever the hell happened to her, poor kid was as good as brain dead when they got her here' 

I sigh, leaning forward so my forehead touches his shoulder, needing some kind of physical support. Mere seconds later I feel his hands around my waist, steadying me, keeping me upright…exactly what I need right now. 

'It's the mom' I whisper, and he stares at me, almost incredulously. 'Adam, the little boy. He has bruises all over his body, every last one somewhere that's hidden by an article of clothing. He said she threatened to make them worse if he told anyone' I tell him, sighing. I feel his hands rub my waist gently, which you'd be surprised by how reassuring it is.

'Have you called social services?' he asks softly. I shake my head, gripping his hand tightly. 'And now I have to summon up the words to tell him he's never going to see the one person who protected him again' 

'Too close to home?' he asks, barely louder than a whisper. I shrug, looking up at him for the first time.

'Yeah, but I'm not leaving him now. I think he finally trusts me, and I'm not abusing that. I know what that can do to a child'

'Okay. Come find me if you need help, or to talk, or anything' he says gently as I drop my head back to his shoulder once again. He rubs my back before giving me a gentle push back in the direction of exam two. I stop at the door, turning to him once again.

'Can you…call social services and bring them in when they come? They'll need a doctor's examination and I'd…rather it was you…?' 

'Consider it done' 

He's got a knack for making me feel a million times better. Ever since that night on the roof, when I was the young, innocent med student…well, maybe not so innocent…or so young, but still he made me feel better.

__

"Brrr! You know, there's warmer places to be alone. There's the furnace room in the basement, and the incubators up in the NICU."

  
"I'd like to see you in an incubator in the NICU."

  
"I'm happy to try!"  


Every time. 

Not that I'm complaining. Because it helps…gives me some perspective I suppose. But now I've got to go in there and somehow keep my emotions under wraps while I tell Adam his sister's died.

Only problem is, I don't think I can do that. Don't get me wrong, you know, I've heard John's speech about making the choice between keeping or losing your emotions when you work in a place like this, and cheers for the offer but I'd prefer to leave this place after every shift with my emotions fully intact, if you don't mind. 

But sometimes it just sucks. 

And you have to be in a situation like this to truly understand that. I have to admit I disagree with that notion that putting your emotions on the backburner 100% of the time is the best thing to do. Sometimes you've just got to let the emotions rule, let your feelings do the talking.

I know, I know, I don't exactly set the best example for that piece of advice.

What can I say, do as I say not as I do? Yup, pretty much sums it up. Its not that I don't want to do that, it's just…sometimes, I just can't. Sometimes the words, the emotions, the feelings…they just want to stay bottled up inside.

Yeah, I know, it's more than likely me bottling them up than them keeping _themselves_ bottled up but…

Damnit, Abby, stop procrastinating. This isn't going to do any good, this standing in front of the door with your hand poised _ready_ to open it, yet doing nothing to physically complete the relatively simple action of opening the door.

'Abby, Abby, Abby! Can I go see Katy now? Please?' 

'Adam, honey, calm down a moment. I've got to talk to you. Okay, just sit back down Adam, please' I say softly, settling myself down on the corner of the gurney. He crawls up to sit next to me, waiting expectantly for whatever news I'm about to impart…just a shame its not good news.

'Why do you have that funny look on your face?' his voice penetrates my thoughts, and I give him what I hope is a relatively normal smile…hope being the operative word there, you understand. 

'Adam, you know your sister was very sick when we brought her here don't you?'

'Yeah, but she's better now right? They've made her better, like they said they would, right?' he looks up at me, and his wide-eyed expression sends me crashing back to any one of numerous occasions when Eric would look at me with an almost identical gaze as he waited for me to tell him that everything was okay…

There's something about that expression. Whenever someone looks at you like that, you've always got bad news to impart. Always. 100% of the time, no doubt about it...whatever way you look at it, that look should be banned. 

Forbidden, like the forbidden fruit. 

Mind you, there are lots of things in this world that should be forbidden, a look doesn't exactly rate highly on the list.

'Well, Adam, sometimes when people are sick the doctors work very, very hard to make them better, to fix whatever was wrong. And sometimes, no matter how hard the doctor's work, that person won't get better…'

'But not Katy. Katy's fine. She _is'_ he insists, nodding his head to confirm his statement, waiting for me to relent and tell him his sister is okay, that she'll always be there to look after him…

It's just a shame I can't. 

'Adam, I'm sorry sweetie…your sister was too sick to save'

'No she wasn't…' he whispers, a look of pure confusion clouding his face. I nod slowly, watching his face carefully. 

'She died Adam…' I murmur, biting my lip as I make one final attempt to keep my emotions under control. 

'NO! No…' I can only watch as his body crumples, wracked with sobs as he collapses forward onto me. I hold him gently, until he lifts his tearstained face to say, 'but Katy said our hamster died…he just stopped moving and went all cold. That didn't happen to Katy, it didn't. She, she's gonna come in soon and everything will be fine' 

'Adam, she's gone…and I know you'll miss her, but she loved you so much…and we're going to make sure you're okay…your mom won't be able to hurt you any more' I whisper, as the tears begin to fall down his face again. 

But suddenly, something changes. He shakes his head violently, and opens his mouth, as his arms work overdrive to free himself from the gurney and my hold…

'Katy! Kaaaaaty! KATY!' he yells, as loud as his little lungs will allow. 'Where's Katy? I want my sister! Why isn't she coming?!' 

I sigh, and catch his arms gently, waiting until his movements stop…

And I don't know how long we sit here, but suddenly the silence is shattered as the door swings open and John walks in, followed by who I presume are two social workers.

'Jane Williams, social services' the older, more distinguished woman introduces herself as. I nod a greeting, before sitting Adam back against the gurney. 'We'll need a few moments to talk to Adam alone before the medical examination, if you don't mind' 

I can vaguely hear John conducting a brief conversation with them, before I feel his hand on my waist, leading me out of the room. As he closes the door I peer anxiously through the window, until he twists the blind shut. 

'He's in the best hands Abby, you've done all you possibly could' he says softly, half-sitting on the counter outside the room. 

'He didn't understand. I tried, and tried but I couldn't get through to him. He's convinced she's coming back…so I didn't do all I could. And now he'll be taken off to live with strangers. How is that possibly best for him?' I counter, turning to face him…and from the look on his face I know that I shouldn't be taking this out on him. 'I'm sorry…' 

'He's getting away from an abusive parent, Abby. And I can tell you got through to him like I doubt no one else in this place could…there was nothing humanly possible that you didn't do. You can't perform miracles, you can't bring his sister back…'

'I know, I know…it's just hard. I got too attached' I whisper, knowing that he'll understand the significance of that. I can't help think about whether Eric would have reacted in the same way if this had happened to us…

And I realise that we were lucky. Because we had one another. We still do…

And Eric isn't the only person I have to rely on now. The other one is sitting right in front of me. 

'You look exhausted' he offers, rubbing the back of my hand gently with his thumb. I shrug, nodding slightly. 

'Would you mind if we…skipped the whole restaurant opening thing? I just don't think I…' 

'There are other nights. In fact, it'd probably be better to go once the place is a little more…established, don't you reckon?' 

This man _is_ amazing, I swear to God. 

'…You should go home, have a long bath and just curl up' he adds. 'Relax, pamper yourself, whatever.' 

'Thank you…I just…' I begin, but he places a finger over my lips.

'You don't need to thank me. Just…call me if you need a shoulder to cry on or some company…anything' 

'Dr Carter? We're ready for you now' Jane pops her head out of the door, at which John immediately stands up, giving my hand one last squeeze before following her into exam two. 

I take a deep breath…and follow him.

Cause I can do this. I'm strong enough to do this. 


	4. Falling Into Place

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We'll Always Remember

Author's Notes: Well it's not been quite so long this time. And, by some amazing miracle, I'm actually fairly pleased with this chapter. I've deviated somewhat from the angst, and I'd hazard a guess at this chapter being 99.9% fuzzy so…enjoy it while it lasts!! No, just joking – I'm not actually going in for the heavy angst. So sit back and enjoy the ride…! Umm just a quick mention to my ever-amazing beta, Brooke – you never get any less enthusiastic and…basically just thank you! Don't think I could've written this chapter (or any of the story in fact) without you hunny! So it's appreciated! Right I won't bore you to tears so basically any feedback _is_ appreciated – surrender_something@hotmail.com if you don't feel like leaving a review. And just…enjoy. Because that's why I'm writing this. 

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Disclaimer: You know the score. I don't own them, I'm not pretending to own them, I have no chance in hell of owning them, to be perfectly honest I wouldn't actually want the responsibility of owning them…I'm just borrowing them for the purpose of this story. No damage will be caused. 

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart…with a bit of Susan Lewis definitely planned (she appears in the next chapter), and I'm sure that others will creep in at some point in the near future.

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Rating: I'm gonna go with PG-13, although at the moment it's probably only PG. Like I said, I have plans for this story…

****

Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown"/the whole of series 9.

****

Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

Enjoy!! 

****

Chapter 4: Falling Into Place

You know, the prospect of sitting alone, watching a movie is somewhat depressing – it's the sort of thing you dream about, giving up a Saturday night out to curl up on the sofa with that someone special, watching some slushy film…

It's every girls fantasy, right? Or is that just the strange part of my brain working overtime again?

Well, whatever way you look at it, it sucks. 

If only Susan and Deb weren't working. I could really do with some company…and offhand I can't actually think of anyone else who'd enjoy the prospect of sitting down and watching the film I have in mind…

__

"Would you mind if we…skipped the whole restaurant opening thing? I just don't think I…"

"There are other nights. In fact, it'd probably be better to go once the place is a little more…established, don't you reckon…? You should go home, have a long bath and just curl up. Relax, pamper yourself, whatever."

"Thank you…I just…"

"You don't need to thank me. Just…call me if you need a shoulder to cry on or some company…anything"

Hmm. Tempting. Very tempting, if only to see the look on his face when he realises what film I'd plan on torturing him with. And anyway, I took him up on the first part of his suggestion – the whole long bath thing, and that worked wonders…so why not try his final idea…

I mean, he loves to be right, so why shouldn't he be here to see that he is. And it'd just be so funny! Yeah, I'll call him. It's not as if he's bad company or anything!

Sad, isn't it, that I already know his home number off by heart…and his cell at that! Who would've thought it, Abby Lockhart memorising some guy's number…

'John Carter speaking…'

'John? It's Abby' 

'Hey! What's up?' he asks, and I smile at the sound of his voice – it's silly isn't it, that even a simple greeting from him can cheer me up. 

'Well I was just wondering if your offer from earlier still stands…?' 

'What, the shoulder to cry on?' you know I think he's already got an air of _I was right_ about him…god knows what he's gonna be like when he's actually here! 

'Nooo, just the company part. I'm not sitting here in tears, despite whatever twisted image you may have in your mind!'

'You honestly think I sit here imagining you crying? I'm hurt, Abby' he retorts, mock-hurt momentarily changing his voice.

'With you John, anything is possible! So do you fancy coming round? I've got a movie…and popcorn' I add, knowing that'll be the deciding remark.

'I'm there…see you in fifteen minutes?' 

'Sure. I'm not going anywhere!' 

'By the way…what film is it?' Ah. This is where the fun begins.

'Well…that's for me to know and you to find out in…fifteen minutes! Bye!' 

Oh this is going to be fun. So very, very fun! 

****

…

'Hi…'

'Hey. How're you holding up?' he asks, making no attempt to move from his position, the doorframe his substitute for a leaning post. I smile, holding out a steady hand for his inspection. 

'No shaking, no tears, no stupid little hang-ups' I inform him, watching as he visibly casts his mind back to the last time we were in this situation…

God, the man's _so _easy to read. This could prove to be to my advantage!

'Just feeling a little lonely?' Damnit. I guess I'm not exactly that hard to read myself. Advantage to Abby? Nope, we're even again. 

'Something like that, yeah. Come in' I add, gesturing for him to walk past me. He sorta collapses onto the sofa, looking perfectly at home…

Aww. Such a Kodak moment! And my god, when did I get so sappy? We'll have to work on that. 

'Make yourself comfortable…' I add, following that with a teasing, 'no, wait, you already have' He gives me that _oh-so-sarcastic_ look of his, and I settle myself cross-legged next to him, balancing the bowl of popcorn in my lap as I stretch across for the remote. 

'So what're we watching anyway?' he asks casually, snatching a handful of popcorn before I can slap his hand away. Quick too…I can see I'm going to have to watch this doctor _very_ carefully.

However…I knew we'd get onto the subject of the film sooner rather than later. And I can tell you one thing, I'm looking forward to this conversation – just seeing the expression on his face will make my evening! 

'Umm…okay, John, bear in mind that I picked this out to watch on my own…'

'And I'm meant to interpret that to mean that I'm gonna hate it, right?' 

'Uhh…yeah, pretty much' I counter quickly, laughing. I don't know, I could have him all wrong – I've just never considered him to be a Patrick Swayzee fan! But then again, he never ceases to amaze me so…

We'll see.

'Okay, 'fess up Abby. What's your method of torture this time?' Ouch. Now _that _hurt. Best to get this over with quickly. 

'_Dirty Dancing_' 

Priceless. Completely, totally and utterly priceless. The guy is a gem in the facial expression department. It's like a film playing in slow motion…his jaw drops, eyes widen and eyebrows rise as he begins to shake his head, slowly and emphatically. 

'No. No, no, no, no…no. Abby please tell me this is one of your cruel little jokes devised to fuel your somewhat strange imagination?' 

'Um, how about…no. Sorry to disappoint!' 

'Where's the fairness in that?' he queries, as I produce the box to prove my point. I roll my eyes.

'I'm the one who had a bad day…I'm the one who needs a comfort film! So, therefore, my choice! And I pick this' he only smirks at my justifications, taking a moment to come up with an argument of his own.

'I'm keeping you company, saving you from an evening of solitude. The least you could do is provide me with a half-decent film to watch!' 

'This _is_ a decent film! It's got a good plot, good actors, good songs…' 

'_Old_ songs' he corrects smugly, and I poke my tongue out at him – it may be childish, it may be immature, but it's a damn good insult in my mind! 

'Old songs are good, especially in context. And, y'know, if you're not going to actually pay attention to the storyline I could always…sing along…' 

Game, set and match – Abby Lockhart. Let's be honest, John Carter never really stood a chance. Not that he'd ever tell you that!

'Okay, okay you win. I'll watch…but I'm _not_ happy about this! And I will get my revenge sooner or later!'

'Oooh don't tell me…when I'm least suspecting it right? That's so cliché, especially coming from you! You want the classic response, _"ooh I'm so scared"?'_ I query, putting on the most exaggerated, sarcastic voice I can manage. 

'You underestimate my powers Abby' he mutters, pulling a hurt face…which only causes me to laugh more! Stupid reflex responses…one of these days I'll laugh when he's really hurt.

'Hum yeah, those superpowers you inherited at birth, right?'

'Don't mock me!'

'Who's mocking?!' I retort innocently, pressing play on the remote and settling back into the cushions before he starts…I don't know a pillow fight or something. 'Now sit, shush and watch the film' 

'Yes nurse'

'I said shut up!' 

…

****

'You still look kinda tense' he offers, his mouth just a little too close to my ear. You know for a moment there I was proud of him – he'd sat through an entire forty-five minutes of the film without making any snide comments…actually without making _any_ comments at all. I was just starting to think he might be enjoying it…!

But then again, it is John Carter we're talking about here. 

'A little. You know how it is, bad days tend to take a little while to go away…' well, y'know, I _have_ seen the film God knows how many times before – I'm sure I can talk and keep up with the plot at the same time – I mean, us women are renowned for our skill in the art of multi-tasking!

'What happened in the end, you know, with Adam? He asks, dropping his hands to my shoulders and applying just enough pressure to move me to the position he wants me to be in, before starting a gentle massage…

And there we have it. Proof that this man _does_ have magic hands. I always suspected it, I just never knew for certain…until now that is! 

'They placed him in temporary care until they can "_further assess the situation"_' I quote automatically, tilting my neck forward a little as his hands move to the top of my back. 

'Maybe that's for the best?' 

'They didn't even look for another family member. An aunt, uncle, anyone he was familiar with…don't you think he at least deserved that? I just…' I stumble, feeling that all-too-familiar sensation of tears burning my eyes. I shake my head, as if to magic them away. Damn me getting too involved again.

'You know, you wouldn't be the nurse you are today if you didn't get too involved now and again. And I know you feel you didn't help him enough, but you gave him someone he could trust, which was what he needed then. So…just don't think you failed him Abby, yeah?' 

Does he really get any better than this? Well, I can tell you one thing – I'm certainly planning on sticking around to find out. This is one guy I could get accustomed to very easily, jokes aside. 

He's just…amazing. What more do I need to say?

'Thank you' I murmur softly as he moves his hands, allowing me to settle back against the sofa again, his hand coming to rest lightly on my thigh…and I have to admit it feels good to be sitting next to him.

Spotlight's on me now right? 

It's completely different to any other relationship – I could have told you that at the start. Hark at me turning into a soppy, romantic…_girlie _girl! It's like my worst nightmare come true, yet I'm doing absolutely nothing to change it – just goes to show, things change. 

And I think what I appreciate most about his sheer…amazingness, if that's even a word, through all this, is the amount of patience he has, and the lack of pressure he's put on me the past few weeks. 

Bang goes the whole _2-date-rule!_ Somehow it seems irrelevant…besides I'm not sure if I'm…well, if we're…ready for that kind of intimacy yet. I know we've known one another nearly three years now, but we've only _really_ been in the whole relationship phase for a few weeks, and considering how much we've both been burned in the past, taking things slowly seems to suit us both pretty well. 

Anyway, in my opinion it just means that when we do eventually get to that…_stage_ in our relationship, it'll be all the more special…bearing in mind that it would've been perfect regardless of the timing…. But surely if it begins with sex that's a bad omen for the rest of the relationship – if the sex comes later, based on emotions…it's a whole different situation. 

Whoa. Where did all those deep thoughts come from all of a sudden? Not that it's a bad thing to be thinking about…especially when it's concerning a certain Dr Carter! 

Ah. It'd be because of a certain scene in a certain film we just happen to be watching where the dancing lives up to the word _dirty! _

Yup. That's my excuse. Not my fault whatsoever!

****

I sigh and tug an oversized cushion towards me, hugging it to my chest…and it's impossible not to smile as I feel him mimic my actions, only he hugs _me_ to his chest. 

I'm glad, you know…glad I decided to call him tonight. He knows exactly what kind of comforting I need at any given moment, and now is no different. Kinda brings a whole new meaning to the phrase _lean on me_, hmm?

'Make a good cushion do I?' I ask, glancing momentarily at the cushion enveloped in my arms, before looking up at him. He laughs, and I promise you I feel the sound reverberate through his chest…maybe that's due to the somewhat increased proximity here…

Just maybe, mind you. 

'You do indeed. So much so, in fact, you should consider a career change. Cushion's are highly paid theses days y'know' he counters in all seriousness.

'Is that so? And why would I make such a good job at it?'

'_Well…_you're comfortable, good to be around, attractive…a real softie at heart…' he murmurs, a low-pitched chuckle escaping his lips at his last comment. 

'Oh so that's all I am huh? A comfort, like some kids security blanket?' I query, faking annoyance.

'Hey! We were _talking_ about a cushion!' he retorts, matching my look of annoyance, before laughter replaces it. '_You. You_ are funny, clever, honest, kind…sexy…' 

'Shut up and watch the film' I quip. Damn, I think I might be blushing… not my fault in the slightest, you understand.

'Uhh…not to sound childish but, _you_ started it!' 

…

'So admit it, you actually kinda enjoyed that film' 

'Umm…'

'Ha! I knew it!' Ohh isn't it great when you're right. He's such a softie at heart, I never knew he was a sucker for a happy ending. Mind you, this _could_ be something I can use to my advantage…!

'This goes no further, right? Otherwise I might just be forced to reveal a few little known details about _you' _damn him. I hate it when he gets that smirk on his face – he always thinks he's won. But not this time. This time it's going to be me who finishes with the upper hand. 

'Well now that you come to mention it, I'm sure Kerry would love to hear all about that conversation we had on the phone the other night – you weren't exactly in the best of moods if I recall correctly' 

'I could tell…hmm let's see…_Pratt_ your observations about his personality…or lack of, as I believe you said' Oooh he thinks he's good. But he's not. 

Time to play my joker.

'Need I remind you that it was only two days ago that you were poking fun at Susan and Jing-Mei…well in fact at all of our colleagues - now if some of your comments were to get out I doubt you'd still be the most popular doctor at County now, would you?'

'When did you learn to argue?' 

'Oh John, I give as good as I get, on many occasions better. You just never had the opportunity to see that!' I laugh, watching him stand up and walk across the lounge till he's standing just inches away from me. 

'Truce?' 

He has no idea that when he's this close to me, I'd agree to just about anything he suggested…and he's not going to find that out any time soon, not if I have anything to do with it. 

'Truce…' I murmur, smiling. He laughs softly and turns to grab his coat. I reach out, touching his arm gently and giving him a moment to turn round. 'I have a feeling my life changed in the split second I met you John Carter, and I'm not sure yet if that's a good or a bad thing…' I whisper softly, and I can only watch as he leans towards me…

But I instinctively lean up to meet him…

And my god, if the world ended right now I'd be happy. Whatever I said about him having magic hands…that pales in comparison with this. I've never known a kiss could be so soft and sweet, yet so deep and sensual at the same time. His lips are warm, softer than I'd ever imagined, and I can actually feel him smiling so my guess is he can feel the exact same thing with me…

And all too soon he's gone, leaving me breathless as he reaches for the door handle. 

Damn him. I was never really mad about the whole _kissing_ phenomenon…until about thirty seconds ago that is. But I could get used to it if it continued to make me feel like that. 

I hear him laughing, that low, throaty chuckle that's so very…sexy I suppose, and I shake my head slightly, bringing myself back to reality. 

'Go on' I manage to say, nodding towards the door. 'Before I do something we'll both regret' 

There's that laugh again, and I'm rewarded with another short, sweet kiss before he opens the door and steps into the hallway, giving me a knowing look.

'You're killing me Abby…in the best possible way' 

And he's gone. 

Me killing him? I doubt it. Him killing me?

Another kettle of fish altogether…

This is going to be one hell of a rollercoaster ride, but one I wouldn't miss for the world. Because things are finally falling into place…


	5. She Shoots, She Scores

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We'll Always Remember

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Author's Notes: Well we come to chapter five. It's been…somewhat of a break between updates, but what with juggling work, results day, more work _and_ to top it all off, starting the sixth form – new courses, new subject, new teachers…things have kinda run away from me a bit! But having said that, this chapter was still pretty great to write, as you'll find out a bit lower (excuse my bias towards the character used – you just gotta love her!) But, enough of that. I'm going to keep this section short. Just one _big_ thank you to the ever amazing Brooke – hehe you're such a sweetie, thank you for your help!! On and your services will be required again soon, just so you know – having a few inspiration problems! So read, enjoy…and I'd love to know your honest opinions, either by form or a review, or you can e-mail me on surrender_something@hotmail.com. Lastly – read the dedication below, it may not make sense to you, but it means a lot to me.

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Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, the actors, the setting…all I own is the plot. That is entirely my creation – based around such wonderful characters obviously (hoping if I grovel the _lovely_ people won't sue)

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Characters: We're here. The infamous Susan Lewis chapter – written from the point-of-view of the best character in the show, in my humble opinion. Of course the focus is still on John Carter/Abby Lockhart so…don't despair. I'm combining my favourite character with my favourite couple and the results promise to be explosive! 

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Rating: I'm gonna go with PG-13, although at the moment it's probably only PG. Like I said, I have plans for this story…

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Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown"/the whole of series 9.

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Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

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Dedication: this chapter is dedicated to a very special person who I still can't believe is gone. She was an amazing friend throughout the three short years I knew her, and I couldn't think of a more fitting tribute than this – she'd have loved a chapter dedicated to her, she loved ER, and she loved Carter and Abby. But most of all, she loved life. Harriet, this is for you – to quote the title, we'll always remember you. 

xxx

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Chapter 5: She Shoots, She Scores

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(Susan's POV)

I'm not really sure when I noticed it first. They've been clever about it; I'll give them that for starters. I can't begin to imagine how hard they've worked to achieve this very gradual change in their relationship, so that it's almost impossible to notice. They've always been friends; I knew that as soon as I came back to Chicago. I guess, deep down, I knew that something would happen eventually - there were too many sparks there for them to deny forever. 

If I had to pinpoint the moment I was absolutely certain their relationship was about more than friendship, I guess it would be that day in Doc Magoo's. Now don't get me wrong, I know Carter and Abby have always had this tradition, something about coffee and pie. I don't know how it started, but I'm sure there's some hidden meaning that only they know about. So I'm never surprised to see them sharing a booth during a break or after their shifts, discussing the meaning of life over two cups of coffee. 

Which is why I thought that day was no different. I was getting some coffees for Deb and I, as Weaver was too stingy to give us a decent break. I saw them sitting there, at a table littered with mugs of coffee and empty plates, which gave away the length of their visit. I was waiting for my order and, as you do, I started to people watch. The big fat guy shovelling what appeared to be his third main course into his mouth held my attention for a few seconds, and I only awarded a passing glance to the assortment of couples, friends and families having a leisurely lunch. Yeah, I was jealous of them because I had to return to the hellhole that masquerades under the name of County General. 

But Carter and Abby caught my attention...I know I said I'm never surprised to see them there, but my mind was working overdrive at the time...and I noticed something that didn't quite make sense to me. Whenever Abby's telling a story, her hands play a big part. She'll gesture wildly or opt for waving her hands about aimlessly, but they're never still. As her friend I've had many a discussion with her, so I can tell you that for certain. She's just not capable of telling a story without both hands featuring in some way. 

But not today. She was clearly telling a story, as Carter wasn't saying a lot. Her left hand was working overtime to further her points with some meaningful - or meaningless - hand gesture, to compensate for the fact that her right hand was perfectly still. A quick glance confirmed that her plate was empty, fork balanced in the centre, and her coffee cup was seated firmly on the table...no hands in sight there then. And then I realised. Her right hand was linked, ever so casually, with Carter's left hand. 

It was actually quite a captivating sight. The simplicity of the gesture made me wonder firstly how long it had been going on, secondly whether I'd missed a truck-load of perfectly obvious signals that they were more than just friends, and thirdly exactly how far their relationship had progressed if they were simply holding hands, sitting on opposite sides of the table. Possibly that was simply for appearances sake - after all it took me long enough to notice the hand-holding. I guess that's what they had in mind. 

I've kept it to myself for nearly a week now. There have been plenty of chances to question either Abby or Carter, find out the exact details of their relationship...but I wanted to give them the chance to tell me first. But the suspense is driving me crazy - and they're clearly in no hurry to tell anyone. God knows I've had enough time to observe their movements over the past week. It's amazingly obvious once you know what's going on. 

If Carter needs a nurse, Abby's his first choice 100% of the time. Same goes for whenever Abby needs a doctor. Carter every time, without a doubt. I never noticed how often they ask people "seen Abby?" or "is Carter around?" Well...ask everyone but me that is. They avoid asking me unless it's absolutely necessary. I guess they knew I'd figure things out eventually. They just underestimated my detective skills. I said they were clever, but I never called them geniuses. 

Their shifts coincide 99% of the time. The other 1% is made up of Weaver being in a foul mood and, for example, making Carter pull a double. Which puts them all out of sync. You almost gotta feel sorry for them...yeah, almost. No sympathy from this friend. They arrive together. They take breaks together. They leave together. Together as in walking through the doors together. And as soon as the doors close behind them, one will glance round to check for anyone they know, before he slips his arm round her shoulder as hers wraps itself round his waist... 

Then there are the smouldering looks across the admin. desk. I don't know how I missed those. Funny. When you're not actively looking for something, it seems invisible. Not any more though. Carter's the worst. He can be having a conversation with someone, either in person or on the phone, supposedly concentrating on a chart...anything in fact, and his eyes will drift to Abby. She's guilty too of spending a little too much time gazing at him, but she's much subtler. 

But now, their precious secret is precariously close to being uncovered, completely unbeknownst to them! And trust me, this is one task that I am going to enjoy greatly. The thing is, I'm not really too sure how to make her tell me. I mean, I know I could just ask her outright, but where's the fun in that? "Are you in a relationship with John Carter?" "Oh, yes" "Congratulations." Yup, right barrel of laughs that'd be. No, I want to make her sweat a little…

But how?

I honestly don't have a clue. And I don't admit that very often, trust me. But Abby…she's perceptive, to say the least. Very hard to hide things from…complete opposite to me, as we've just proved. But this…this has got to be good. It's got to be _very_ good, in fact. Abby-proof. 

No mean feat. 

Hmm. Maybe I could accidentally _bump _into them at what they might consider a slightly inappropriate moment…pretending to be clueless. Or ask how Abby's love life is? Suggest to her that Carter may have a new girlfriend, watch her reaction…there are so many ways. But none of them seem to have that magic element I want. They'd all involve me coaxing it out of her, whereas I want to put her in the situation where she _wants_ to tell me. 

'You're looking _way_ too serious to actually be reading that gossipy magazine' insert Abby…this could be _very_ good timing on her part. 

'It's all a cover-up Abby, all a cover-up. I'm actually reading an article on the conservation of South America's tropical rainforests' I deadpan, giving her what I hope is a controlled smirk. It works, rewarding me with a laugh as she heads over to her locker. I jump up and follow, leaning on the locker next to her. 'That is…if Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck have anything whatsoever to do with the rainforests!' 

'You idiot!' she teases good-naturedly, swinging the door to her locker open and reaching towards the back to retrieve something…knocking a piece of paper out in the process. 

Now what's _this? _Abby having little folded pieces of paper tucked away in her locker, almost like…almost like those little love letters you used to send in high school. But…

No. Surely it's not Carter's style to be writing love letters…or is it? Maybe I've been underestimating the guy – after all we only dated for what, a couple of months, and that was hardly a love letter kind of relationship now, was it? 

I bend down, literally moments quicker than Abby as I snatch the note off the floor. 

'Passing notes in class again Abby? You know you could get in trouble for that.' She laughs, holding out a hand as if she expects me to simply hand over the note without even glancing at the contents. Hmm well…she's got another thing coming, hasn't she! What does she take me for, a gullible fool?

'_Suusan!' _she moans, seemingly preparing herself to put that wide-eyed gaze of hers to good use. Little does she know that I'm not falling for that one again. Lets not even go into what happened the last time I did…lets just say it resulted in a few rather interesting conversations, and many of my colleagues never being able to think of me in the same way again. Last time I let Abby guilt trip me into something, let me tell you that for starters. 

'Uh-uh. Not like you to be so secretive about something…unless this is something I _really_ don't want to read.' Oh I'm _so_ enjoying this. She's just so easy to wrap around your little finger – I'll have her spilling all the gory details in a matter of minutes, trust me. 

'You're going to make me tell you if I don't let you read it, so whatever I chose I'll lose, right?' 

'Spot on Abby. So what's your choice? Either I read this and come to my own conclusions' I offer, waving the paper around in front of her, 'or we sit down over there and you tell Auntie Susan exactly what you're being all secretive about' 

'Okay, okay, you win Susan, I'll tell' she decides, flopping down in a seat…resigned to her fate. Matter of minutes? Matter of seconds more like. Susan wins again…although she is pretty easy to crack! 

'Soo what's the big secret?' I ask, placing the paper down in front of her…best to start off with a simple query, before I reveal how much I already know! 

'Well it's barely anything really, I mean it's not exactly had time to develop properly – you can't call something a matter of weeks old a _relationship_, can you?' Aww, cute. She's going for the coy approach. If it weren't John Carter we were talking about, I'd almost say she was making a fool out of herself.

But then again, Abby and Carter are basically a pre-requisite. It's been so obvious to so many people for so long…guess they're a little slow though. 

'Fess up Abby, our break's only going to last so long. We're talking about a relationship with _who_ exactly?' I ask…oh she's just providing me with so many good opportunities. It'll make the shock all the better when I reveal that I've actually known about their relationship all along!

'Umm…would you believe me if I said John?' Ohh we're on _first_ name terms now are we? This must be serious…not that I ever suspected it wasn't! 

'John?' I ask, faking ignorance.

'Carter!' she expands, blushing a furious shade of red.

'You and Carter? Abby Lockhart and John Carter? The head nurse and the chief resident? I knew I was right – what other reason would you have to be holding hands in Doc Magoo's, after all?' she shoots, she scores. 

'You…you evil person Susan!' Ahh, recognition dawning all over her face – such a good moment! 'You really do have a nasty streak, you know that right?' she asks, coming to her senses and snatching the offending love letter off the table before I get a chance to read it. Maybe she's not so slow after all. 

'Oh I know Abby…isn't it great? Now c'mon, I want details. I want dates, times, locations, word for word renditions of your conversations…' 

'So basically a blow-by-blow account?' she queries, shaking her head as she tries not to laugh. 'You've got absolutely no chance of that, let me tell you!' Damn. Worth a try anyway – I _did_ already know Abby's a private person…subtle route it is then. 

'Okay, okay, I'll settle for a few details' I persist, resting my head on my hands as I look at her…and the reddish hint that still lingers on her cheeks. 'How did it start?' 

'You remember that massive thunderstorm a couple of weeks ago?' What's a thunderstorm got to do with their relationship? She'd better not be trying to change the subject again. Good thing I'm not as gullible as she is, hmm? Oops! I must have nodded, because she's talking again! '…A perfectly good reason for it, but I hate thunderstorms. So anyway…he came round and…' whoa! Is she saying what I think she's saying? That one thing led to another and…whoops. Think she's caught the expression on my face. '_Not_ in the way that you're thinking. If you must know, he was a complete gentleman. I guess I just needed someone in that moment and he was there.' 

'So nothing actually happened?' 

'Nothing that night' Wow. They have more self-control than _I_ realised!

'So then what?'

'Well there was this night by the river, and we had this whole long talk about a bunch of stuff,' stuff? What sort of a word is _stuff_? I want details.

'What sort of stuff?' 

'It's a whole other story. I'll tell you that some other time.' What's this, Abby actually _wants_ to tell me now? This is a development. 'So we basically decided that we wanted to, I dunno, take things further…but that there was also a whole bunch of stuff that we, or mainly I, needed to sort out first. So we're just taking it kinda slow' 

'Aww Abby! It's…it's you and Carter, it's just so right!' 

'You think so?'

'Come on. You guys were meant to be. _Every_one knew it!'

Hmm. Abby, acting all coy. That's a new one, for sure – I've never seen this side of her character before. Sarcastic Abby, slightly depressed Abby, even happy Abby…those are all responses that I'm prepared for. But this coyness…my God a relationship with John Carter really can scar you for life! 

Oh no, wait, that was meant to be 'a relationship with John Carter really can bring out new sides of your personality!' Just a slight…slip of the tongue there, honest!

'So you're happy then?' simple question, guaranteed it won't be a simple answer.

'I guess…yeah. It's…things are good Susan, things are really good. I just really don't want this one to go wrong…so the taking things slowly works for me. He's been like my best friend for three years, its not something I'm going to throw away in a hurry' 

Wow. Guess she's really committed. However there's one thing I've just _got_ to find out. You know those things that just can't be left unsaid? Well this is one of them. 

'Have you…you know, slept together yet?' 

'Susan! Does the whole concept of taking things slowly mean absolutely _nothing_ to you?' she queries, sitting up in her seat and looking at me almost incredulously. 

'Okay _that_ one's a no then!' I pause… 'You have kissed him right?' She nods, that blush creeping across her cheeks again. My God she _is_ a teenager all over again. I stand up, aiming my coffee cup in the general direction of the trashcan. 

'I can _so_ see this getting sickening in a while. I mean, it's sweet and all but…just don't shove it in my face' I inform her teasingly, pausing to swing my stethoscope around my neck. '_However_ I wouldn't say no to regular updates on any big events…seeing as I am the first one to find out!'

'Basically you just want some gossip to add to the infamous County gossip train?' she asks, laughing. 'Speaking of that…you won't say anything about this will you? At least not for a while. I mean, to tell the truth I'm kinda happy that someone knows…I just don't think I'm ready for it to be common knowledge yet.' She stands up as well, walking over to the door before turning to look questioningly at me. 

'Okay, okay. I won't tell anyone yet – I'll be the very soul of discretion. Just…keep the public displays of affection to a minimum, yeah? Unless you want more people to employ _my_ amazing powers of deduction' I retort, laughing. 

'What public displays of affection? We don't do public displays of…oh, you..!' 

'One to me Abby! Although you might want to watch the hand holding, smouldering looks and little pointless conversations – I mean they were enough for me to guess…!' I catch her eye as we venture once more into the madness that is the ER…and we both laugh.

Sadly, it's enough to make the lovely Kerry Weaver notice that we're actually not using our time profitably and either seeing a patient or doing some charts, but are in fact having a private gossip session. 

'Patients don't heal themselves, much as I'm sure you'd both appreciate that development in medical science…so as I believe we're not paying you to gossip, perhaps you'd care to make a start on clearing the board?'

'Yes Kerry' Abby deadpans, shooting me her very best sarcastic grin. I can't stop myself from laughing harder, although I have to force myself to regain _some_ composure when Kerry rewards me with a glare. 

'Whatever you say Kerry' I manage, watching as Abby does her very best to control her own giggles as we head over to the board. I lift a chart, waving it in front of her. 'Five-year-old who thought she could fly if she jumped off the bunk-bed suit you Abby?' I query, grinning.

'Suits me. She sounds kinda fun' 

'There is a difference between fun and self-destructive!' I remind her, writing my initials next to the little girl's name on the board. And…there's no response from Abby on that. If I turn round, I wonder what I'll see? 

Could've guessed. Abby leaning back against the counter, Carter standing on the other side of the desk, attempting to have a serious conversation with Gallant. 

Her eyes on him, his eyes very much on her. 

I guess some things never change, huh?


	6. Here and Now

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We'll Always Remember

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Author's Notes: I can honestly say this is my favourite chapter so far. When I sat here and thought, _"right, what do I want to happen here?" _I drew a pretty serious blank. However several late night conversations with my wonderful beta Brooke and my extra new muse Taylor meant I was all sorted. I was heard to say to Brooke on many an occasion "This is s_o_ fun to write!" and I meant it – it just seemed to flow. Which resulted in it being the longest chapter so far! Quick thanks to Taylor, and Brooke – thanks for thrashing it all out with me – I know I left you wishing I'd get on and finish it already! And Brooke you were my amazing beta as well, also thanks for the help with the title! Don't forget to leave a review, either here or at surrender_something@hotmail.com – I'd love to know what you all think! 

Last, but not least…enjoy! Because I certainly enjoyed writing it. 

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Disclaimer: Song used in first scene is "Diamond Road" by Sheryl Crow. Again, you know the drill. I don't own any of the characters, past storylines that I may mention…all I own are the ideas in this chapter. 

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart (who wouldn't be the characters that they are without the rather amazing Noah Wyle/Maura Tierney – I was only saying just now that I wouldn't be able to write stuff like this without the convincing performances they give)

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Rating: PG-13

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Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown," the whole of season 9 and any spoilers or episodes of season10 (which I'm not spoiled for anyway)

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Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

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Chapter 6: Here and Now

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Abby's POV

'Remind me again what the reason behind this party was, Susan' I query, trying to remember what exactly she'd said when inviting people…

'A good party needs no reason Abby. But, y'know, we could consider it a celebration of our latest couple!' she points out, even though we've been over this countless times since her little organised confession a couple of weeks ago. Well at least you can say she doesn't give up easily! 

'No, no, nooo! Suze you promised! No telling everyone till we say so' I insist, tilting my head as she considers her answer. 'We just…want to get used to it ourselves, you know? Its not really that much to ask, a little longer without the whole ER analysing our every move, its bad enough with you doing it!' I tease, eliciting a smile from her at least.

'Okaaay' she relents, somewhat grudgingly. 'But you guys are going to have to keep your hands off one another unless you're going on the basis of people figuring out for themselves' 

'You know that might not be such a bad idea really. Save a whole lot of embarrassment…' oops. Guess that was the wrong thing to say. She's got a _'you dare' _look on her face. 'Kidding Susan, kidding.' 

'Hey you guys, check out Dr Chen and Pratt!' Chuny announces, settling herself between the two of us. 'Talk about _un_professional relationships!' Hmm. This may possibly be the only time I say this about Pratt, but I'm grateful he's taken the focus off of John and I for a bit! 

'Oh gross. Mind you, there's more than one of them going on around here' Spoke too soon. And let me tell you I'm seriously going to kill Susan one of these days. Discretion just isn't a word she's overly familiar with! 

'Ooh who?' Chuny immediately enquires inquisitively. I swear she was a sniffer dog in a former life – she's certainly got great technique when it comes to uncovering gossip! I glare at Susan, and mouth "You dare" at her… 

'Oh did no one tell you…? Frank's followed in Kerry's footsteps and is madly, passionately in love with Jerry' she deadpans…and yes, I'll give her some credit for that. She's certainly got a…very overactive imagination! Which is slightly worrying, considering the amount of time she spends trying to figure out my relationship!

'You're _so_ hiding something Dr Lewis' Chuny surmises, with a knowing look in my direction. 

Well, at least she doesn't suspect that _I_'ve got something to do with it! 

'Hey Randi! Check out…!' Chuny calls, disappearing off to spread her gossip in another corner of the room. I turn my gaze to Susan, who holds up her hands in defence. 

'I didn't _actually_ tell her!' 

'You were about to!' I shoot back, matching her glare with my own for a matter of seconds, before we both laugh.

'Oh go…talk to loverboy over there! He's looking a little lonely. And I have to play hostess!' she grins, giving me a push in his direction before wandering off to capture her next innocent victims. I roll my eyes and laugh, making my way casually over to where John's standing. 

'Don't tell me, Chuny now knows as well right?' he deadpans.

'Actually no' I quip, pausing while deliberating over whether to say more. 'Although Susan did come fairly close to telling her' I eventually add, shrugging my shoulders slightly. 

'Well if you will tell the most gossip hungry doctor in the ER…' 

'I didn't tell her, she forced it out of me! And don't be rude about your friends, you never know how much of it might get back to them' 

'Is that a threat?'

'Could be. And anyway, not that it's any of your business…we were talking about Jing-Mei and Pratt' I reply…because he can talk. He's as eager for gossip as the rest of us - the Susan's, Chuny's and Randi's of this world included. 

'What about Deb and Pratt?' knew it! 

'Now who's the gossip-hungry one? And it's Jing-Mei now' he waves a hand in the air, acknowledging both of my points…and I wait _just_ a moment longer before continuing with my sentence. 'They're dancing' I gesture over to them, 'just a little too close. Which Chuny has decided is unprofessional…and considering how close she is to Malik right now, I don't think she's really one to talk.' He laughs, turning slightly to look around the room. 'Of course if she'd been looking at them now, I'd say it's gone way past a professional relationship!' 

'Lovely' he rolls his eyes. 'I'm glad we're being discreet now, considering how _that_'s making everyone feel!' I smile, averting my glance from Jing-Mei and Pratt's…show, as the opening chords of what I know to be Susan's favourite slow-ish song start. 'Hey, considering that everyone's paired up…wouldn't it make more sense for us to dance, rather than stand here looking awkward? As we're trying not to attract attention…'

'That sounds like a perfectly acceptable idea to me!' I smile, allowing him to lead me towards the middle of the room. His hands fall to my waist as I rest my own just above his elbows – I need some way of physically keeping some space between us! As the lyrics start, I can't help myself singing along… _'Walk with me the diamond road, tell me every story told…'_

And I stop short as he tilts his head, regarding me with an amused and slightly inquisitive look. 

'Didn't realise you were a singer' he comments in an attempt to be casual.

'Didn't realise _you_ were a dancer' I counter, laughing softly.

'Gamma's doing. Got an explanation for the singing?' he enquires, but I just raise an eyebrow, squeezing his arm gently as we move in time with the music. 

'Hey! Check out Dr Carter dancing with Abby!' I hear Randi's attempt at conspiratorial conversation with Chuny from at least halfway across the room, and I roll my eyes, looking back at John. He offers a small smile and a half-hearted shrug. 

'They're just speculating' I point out. 'Just like they were speculating over Jing-Mei and Pratt, only we're more careful than they are' 

'How do you fancy making a subtle exit…separately of course…and going somewhere quieter?' 

'Sounds like a pretty good plan to me'

…

'Do you think they've really guessed about us?' I ask softly, linking my hand with his as we walk along the shores of Lake Michigan. He shrugs slightly, rubbing the side of my hand with his thumb.

'Hard to tell. But…I don't know Abby, even if they have I'm not sure if I'll really mind. It's getting harder and harder to keep this a secret…' he pauses, and I glance up to see him staring at the reflections in the lake. 'I just…I don't know, it sounds stupid but…I'm fed up of only being able to do this when no one's around' 

If you were reading that in some sappy romance novel, you'd cringe right? But I've got to admit, it's a whole different situation when someone actually says it to you…and means it. Because I know he does – his eyes are a give-away every time. I lean up, giving him a soft kiss on the lips. He catches my eye, and I smile, squeezing his hand. 

'It gets to me too sometimes' I admit, gesturing around us. 'I mean, this is really good, it just being the two of us…but the secrecy does get me down sometimes. I suppose that's why I didn't really mind Susan finding out' it's kinda new to me, this whole being honest thing. But I figure he knows me well enough anyway…and I just don't want to hide from him. 'I just don't know if I really want to tell people' 

'Well how about we go for a compromise? We won't actively hide it anymore, but we won't announce it in the middle of the ER? Just let people figure it out for themselves. Once Chuny knows, there'll be no need to hide it' 

'Oh I think Susan will be all too happy to fill people in'

'That's very true' he agrees, and we both laugh. It's this that I could get used to. This whole relaxed relationship. So many times before, even with Richard and Luka, I was constantly trying to be the person they thought I was. But John's known me for three years already, so there's no fake appearance to keep up on either side. I know more about him than I suspect his mother does...and he could probably say the same about my mom and me. 

Those walls that we all build up, to keep the real person locked securely away inside…they're gone. In fact they're crumbling in ruins on the ground. There are no preconceptions or presumptions, nothing to live up to and no reason to change. This is it – this is how it's meant to be right? Being able to be yourself around the other person without worrying that it might change their feelings towards you. 

Funny. I don't remember our relationship getting this serious. 

But that's a good thing. 

'Cold?' he asks softly, breaking into my thoughts. I glance up at him, presumably with a confused expression. 'You shivered…' he adds, smiling. 

'Actually yeah I'm…completely freezing, now that I come to think about it' I reply with a laugh, as he lets go of my hand in favour of resting an arm over my shoulders. I smile, wrapping my arms loosely around his waist. 'Much better…' I murmur. 

'Glad I could help' he laughs, kissing the side of my forehead gently. 

Yeah. I definitely like this phase of our relationship. 

'John…' I pause, looking up at him. 'You know how we decided to take things slowly? I know it was the right thing to do, because I wasn't ready to jump straight into a serious relationship, and these past few weeks have been really special because of that. But…now I think we're kinda getting more serious…and I'm ready for it' I finish softly, looking down at the sand for a moment.

'I'm ready for it too Ab. I think I'm ready for anything when it comes to this relationship' he replies, rubbing my shoulder gently. 

'Best part of three years was a long time for this to get going' I add with a small shrug. 

'Mmm…but we've got what so many other couples don't have. We've got the friendship thing already…so there's no need for pretences' 

Damn. He really knows how to read me! It's almost disconcerting at times, that he knows me _that_ well. Mind you, I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't have any of this any other way to be honest. 

'What's up? You went all quiet'

'No, it's just…I was thinking that exact same thing earlier. About pretences' I reply, leaning up to place a kiss on the corner of his lips. 

'Great minds think alike' 

'Can't argue with that!' I reply, resting my head on his shoulder. This is another thing about our relationship – silence isn't awkward any more. We've all experienced it before right, sitting there on a first, second, third date with that awkward silence when you can't _actually_ think of anything respectable to talk about…

But this is that comfortable silence. 

And it's different…but different in the best possible way.

'So…tell me more about this secret singing talent of yours…' he eventually comments teasingly, catching my hair in a loose ponytail at the nape of my neck as we continue to walk along. 

'Hmm it's…one of my better kept secrets!' 

'Oooh, mystery woman' he laughs, rubbing my neck gently. 'But seriously, I didn't know you could even carry a tune, let alone sing pretty well!' 

'It's not something I set out to do intentionally' I reply, smiling slightly. 'It's just one of those things, y'know? Besides, it's hardly a bad thing'

'No it's quite an attractive quality, actually' 

'Why thank you! And what about your skills on the dance floor? I'm willing to bet they came from lessons?' 

'Consequences of going to a boarding school. Dance lessons, piano lessons…you name it, I was taught it. It's not all that it's made out to be though' 

'What do you mean?' I ask softly, looking up at him.

'It just gets a little lonely. There were times when I just wanted to be part of a normal family' he replied, looking down at my hands resting at his side. 

'I can sympathise with that' I murmur, offering him a small smile. He manages an even weaker one back…and this wasn't meant to be an evening where we got upset. 'Hey…don't get upset' 

'I'm fine' he replies softly, hugging me slightly closer. I smile softly as his other hand rests over mine. 'Guess there's still plenty of stuff we don't know about one another huh?'

'I like it like that…it means we won't get stuck in a routine' 

'Somehow I don't think this relationship will ever be routine in a bad way' he replies, making me laugh softly.

'For some reason I've got to agree with you there' I agree…and I don't know why it's suddenly crept up on me, but it's _so_ completely freezing out here. One of the downsides of walking on the beach at…nearly midnight. Yup. Never ones for convention, us! 

'Something wrong?'

'Well, John, much as I'm enjoying this moonlit stroll, the fact that we chose to come out without decent jackets is proving to be somewhat of a distraction'

'So basically you're cold and want to go somewhere warmer?'

'Lets just say it'd be much appreciated! And cold doesn't even begin to describe it!' I reply, shivering as the wind picks up a little bit more. 

'Well my place is closest from here…come back and warm up for a while, then I can drive you home later' he suggests, his hand on my shoulder steering me towards the steps leading up to the sidewalk. I stop him for a moment, wrapping both my arms round his neck, resting my head on his shoulder. I feel his hands move up and down my back through my jumper, and smile. 'What was that for?' he asks as I grab his hand, pulling him towards the steps.

'Mmm…felt like it?'

…

I don't know what it is about this apartment that makes me want to stay here for such a long time. I know, he's got the money to buy all the expensive stuff that would the place look good, but I've been in places that look pristine and expensive, but feel empty. His apartment's quite simplistic in that respect – he feels no real need to show off. But I think that's the difference here. It just feels like a home, you know, like somewhere that's lived in, and enjoyed...somewhere that's seen the whole range of human emotion, from sorrow right through to sheer happiness.

You're not aware of the whole designer impact, and to be honest I'm not even sure it exists. I mean, everything seems to be really well made, but it doesn't feel like he's spent thousands of dollars on a sofa or something. It's just…normal. Much more normal than I ever had as a child…and I'd say that's true even more so for him. 

I feel the couch dip down beside me, and I turn to find him holding two steaming mugs of coffee. I accept one gratefully, wrapping my hands around the warm exterior. 

'Feel better now?' he enquires, standing his own mug down and leaning his head against the back of the couch.

'Mmm the feeling in my hands _is _slowly coming back' I tease, taking a sip of my coffee before standing it down next to his. I settle back into my original position and look over at him, to find his hand rubbing the back of his neck, clearly in an attempt to be subtle. 'What's wrong?' I ask softly, tilting my head slightly as I wait for his response. 

'Just a little stiff' he replies, clearly trying not to make a big deal out of it. I shake my head slightly, removing his hand from his neck.

'Sit forward' I say, pushing him a little further forward. I rest my hands on his neck and rub gently, trying not to press too hard…cause he was lying. Judging by how tense his muscles are, it was more than _just a little stiff. _

'Your hands are warm' he comments, sighing softly. 

'Feeling any better?' 

'Much better' 

'Good' I smile, settling back down beside him. He turns, kissing me softly. I laugh, resting my hands on his shoulders. 'What was that for?'

'I don't know, I wasn't under the impression I had to have a reason to kiss my girlfriend' he retorts with a smile. 

Girlfriend. I could actually grow to kinda like that word. Not that I want to be referred to as _John's girlfriend_…but it's nice to be reminded that you are in a fairly serious relationship. 

'You don't have to' I reply, catching his eye and giving him one of those smiles that always annoy you if you're looking at a couple – one of those private jokes that wouldn't seem funny in the slightest to anyone else! 

I laugh softly at the thought, the sound dying in my throat as his lips touch mine again. I lean back into the corner of the couch, pulling him towards me. Our embrace slowly becomes more passionate as I wrap my arms round his neck. 

He pulls away very slightly and I fight to catch my breath, each exhalation heaving through my chest. His actions mirror mine in his struggle for oxygen, and once his breathing has regained some element of normalcy, he looks at me slightly more seriously, whispering 

'Abby…you know what you said earlier about being ready for this…? Are you sure? Because I know I'm ready for this, but if you aren't…I just want it to be right, so we should…you know, if you want to wait…' 

Aww. I do believe that's what you'd call nervous babble. Isn't he cute? I bite my lip, staring up at him as he prepares to say something else, presumably because of my lack of response to his last outburst.

'Sshh' I whisper, placing a finger over his lips. 'I want to stay with you John…and I'm ready. More ready than I've ever been for anything.'

Somehow we manage to navigate our way into the bedroom without; it appears, my arms moving from their position around his neck. He smiles, giving me a gentle push, and I feel the soft impact of the mattress meeting my back as I fall. I laugh…it's got to be said ever so slightly nervously, and tug on his hands so that he ends up next to me. 

His hands move to the hem of my top and I lift my arms, my eyes barely leaving his as he lifts the thin material over my head. I watch his eyes dance down my body, and I can just _feel_ the blush creeping into my cheeks. 

'W…what?' I ask softly, biting my lip as his hands rest just above my waist. He just smiles, making small circles with his thumbs on my skin… 'Stop with the silence, you're making me nervous!' 

'It's just…' he shrugs, pausing for a moment. 'You're beautiful. I never actually told you that, but it's true' 

'I'm…'

'No. Don't say you're not Abby. Just…learn to accept a compliment once in a while?' 

'I think I could do that' I reply, laughing softly. He smiles, pulling me closer to him. I play with the bottom few buttons of his shirt, giving him a coy smile…

And you know this is actually kinda strange, because I feel comfortable with him already. Normally when you're doing this with someone for the first time it's a bit strange, because it seems so different, and…almost scary. 

Not that I'm saying it isn't those things…it's just those things in a whole different light. Which can only be a good sign, right? 

'You nervous?' he asks suddenly, kissing my nose lightly. 

'Actually…in a strange sorta way, I'm not' 

'Good' he replies, kissing my lips and down my neck onto my chest. 

Hmm. Magic lips. I could get more than used to this! 

I finally get round to actually _undoing_ the buttons on his shirt, working my way up until there are no buttons left to undo. I slide it slowly off his shoulders, forcing him to move his hands from my waist. His shirt falls onto the bed and I wrap my arms round his neck, pulling him closer. He laughs softly, dropping another kiss on my lips before moving his attention back to my chest. 

He moves us so that I'm lying on my back, and it's all I can do to focus on what his lips are doing. He traces a path down, over my breasts, down my stomach…and stopping. 

I suddenly feel his hands fumble with the fastening of my jeans. Funny, that I missed that. Mind you, that could be because I was slightly more focused on the havoc his lips are creating. Somewhat of a distraction, you see. 

I move his hands and effortlessly release the fastening, feeling his low chuckle more than I hear it. 

'Showing off?' he questions, sliding the denim material teasingly slowly over my hips, and I move slightly to let him remove it entirely. 

Well, there's no going back now. We've officially crossed the line. Absolutely no way we'll ever be able to look at one another in the same way again.

And does that bother me?

No. Not in the slightest. 

…

I roll over, tugging the covers so that they come to a resting point midway up his chest…but resting just over my shoulders. I drop my head onto his chest, and feel his arm sneak around me, fingers coming to a halt on my stomach. 

You know I don't think I've ever felt this satiated in my life…its that languid type of laziness, where you actually don't feel like moving because the position you're in feels very right. And I've gotta admit I'm getting used to this very quickly. 

'You okay?' he asks softly as I link my hand with his, squeezing slightly. He rubs a thumb over the back of my hand gently, kissing the top of my head. 

'Yeah. I'm…' I shrug, trying to put it into words. 'I'm good.' I sigh as he leans over to flick on the lamp, filling the room with a somewhat comforting golden glow. The light spreads out from the lamps position, so we're bathed in light, but the far corners are still filled with shadows. 

'Sure? You sound kinda…unconvinced' he comments, tilting my chin up with one finger. 

'John, stop thinking so hard. Just…relax' I murmur, my fingertips tracing a path up his chest.

'You know as well as I do that when you work in an ER you're never going to be totally relaxed' he replies, shifting slightly so that I'm almost lying on top of him. 

'Well _maybe_ that's cause you work too hard' I counter jokingly, moving until my new position is totally comfortable. However he clearly isn't in the joking mood with regards to this. 'Seriously, the place wouldn't run without you' 

'Big responsibility to have'

'But you thrive on responsibility right? You always have' 

'It just hits me sometimes, all the pressure. So many decisions in that place rest entirely on my shoulders…' he trails off, raising a hand in the classic _I don't know _gesture, and I smile slightly, running a hand through his hair before resting it at the back of his neck. 

'Well we'll have to come up with some ways of relaxing you then' I suggest, moving my hand in gentle, circular movements on his neck as he gives me what's gotta be his most sincere smile in the last five minutes. 'That's a promise. Whenever you need to relax, or de-stress or just chill out…I'll help. It's one thing I'm actually good at' 

'I'll bear that in mind' 

'You do that' I reply, leaning up to kiss his lips lightly before dropping back into my former position, head resting on his chest.

'Same goes for you of course' he replies, rubbing my back. 'It'd be no chore to help _you_ relax!' he adds with a chuckle. And to think I was going to tell him he was sweet for saying that.

'That's enough of _those_ thoughts John Carter!' 

'What? All I was going to offer was a massage' he retorts. I begin to laugh…then stop. Maybe I shouldn't be so hasty to dismiss that idea. Could work both ways! 

'I'll hold you to that one then!' I counter just as quickly, kissing his chest before rolling back into my original position. I feel his arms wrap round me and I close my eyes…I could definitely get used to going to sleep like this on a regular basis. 

'Tired?' he asks softly, pulling the covers closer to us. I nod, suddenly feeling kinda sleepy. 'Go to sleep then' 

'I don't want to go to sleep' 

'Why not?' he asks, an amused expression crossing his face. I shrug, slightly embarrassed. 'Ab…why not?' 

'Because then morning will come too soon' I whisper, shrugging slightly. 

'What do you mean?' he asks, puzzled. 

'It's just this…this here and now, this feels right. I just…want it to keep feeling like this, and I'm scared that if I go to sleep now, when I wake up it'll be different.'

'Well…I can't make promises Ab, because I can't guarantee they'll be true. I wish I could say that everything would be perfect, but we both know life doesn't work like that. But just because you go to sleep doesn't mean this feeling will be forever lost. There'll be plenty of other moments…some might even be better than this'

'…you always know the right thing to say…' I comment sleepily, closing my eyes as he flicks off the light. 

'One of my many talents. Now sleep…and we'll have a go at creating another _right_ moment tomorrow' 

Now _that_'s an offer I most certainly intend on keeping him to.

…

You know what I've decided in the last ten seconds? Waking up to the smell of freshly brewed coffee _is_ my idea of heaven. 

Especially if you consider just who the bearer of said coffee is! 

'I know you're awake…' he comments slyly, 'cause you weren't smiling ten seconds ago' 

'Okay, okay I'm awake' I murmur sleepily. 'Gimme a chance!' I add, blinking rapidly several times as my eyes adjust to the daylight.

'Hmm I think we've just established who's _not_ a morning person!' he jokes, laughing as I lift myself into a semi-sitting position. He hands me the steaming mug of coffee and I wrap my hands gratefully around its warm china exterior. 

He however wastes no time in filling the space left between my back and the pillow, looping an arm round my waist and leaning forward to drop little butterfly kisses on my neck…

Well if I wasn't awake before…which I almost certainly wasn't…I definitely am now! 

Although I've gotta say it may take me a while to get used to his…excess of energy this early in the morning. I mean, 7:30 really isn't an appropriate hour to be this cheery! 

'And I think we've established who needs to _stop_ drinking caffeine in the mornings' I quip, tilting my head slightly to allow him better access. He takes full advantage of this for a few seconds, before leaning round to kiss me on the lips. 

'You taste of coffee' 

'Gee, wonder why that is?!' I reply sarcastically, giving him another kiss before he thinks that I'm being serious. He laughs, leaning back against the headboard and pulling me with him. 

'Glad to see you can still manage the sarcasm at such an early hour' he comments, his fingertips leaving little trails of fire all over my body…I'm going to have to watch this. He could really catch me unawares with this whole…seduction thing, this early in the morning. 

Not that I'm complaining – I'd much rather _cope_ with this than wake up alone every morning. 

'We'll have to turn you into a morning person. Mornings have a lot of potential you know' he comments, dragging me back to reality. I laugh, twisting round to look at him. 

'Potential for _what_ exactly?' I query, smiling as his arm loops back around my waist.

'Ohh all sorts of things. You'll just have to wait and see won't you.' 

'Well listen to you, all full of surprises. I don't think Weaver would be very impressed if you tire us both out every day _before_ we get to work!' I tease, kissing him. 

'Speaking…' he pauses, kissing me lightly, 'of…' and again, 'which…' and again…! 'What time's your shift today?' 

'Uhh midday, why?' I ask, laughing as his smile appears to grow even wider. 

'That gives me…four and a half hours to prove that I _can_ tire you out before you even get to work!' 

'Oh really?' I counter, cupping his face in my hands and leaning painstakingly close to his lips. 'You think you can…live up to that promise, do you?' I enquire, stopping mere millimetres before our lips touch. He eventually grows tired of that and captures my lips with his, in one of those kisses where you physically have to pull away for want of oxygen. 

'I think it's entirely possible!' he laughs, as I struggle to catch my breath again. Damn him…I'm going to have to keep my wits about me – wouldn't want to go losing all the arguments to him now, would I?

Taking a deep breath, I stand up and lift my coffee mug to my lips, draining the remaining liquid in one go. His eyes remain locked on me as I extend a hand to him. 

'How…_big_ would you say your shower is, John?' I query cheekily. He looks at me for a moment, before catching on and taking my hand, standing up. 

'More than big enough for two, if that's what you're suggesting' 

'What are you waiting for then?!' I ask, unable to stop myself from laughing as he instantaneously begins to drag me into the bathroom. He turns on the water, and as it heats up steam begins to fill up the room. He pauses before stepping into the shower, turning to look at me. 

I stay exactly where I am, leaning against the wall, watching him with one eyebrow raised. He laughs, beckoning me over, and I take a step towards him…

And mark my words, we'll see who's tiring _who_ out this morning! 


	7. This Christmas

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We'll Always Remember

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Author's Notes: Well, 8550 odd words in one chapter is somewhat of a record for me. Twenty-three pages, over a months work and countless conversations (wouldn't you agree Brooke, Taylor…? Cheers you two, and everyone else I've ranted at!) and we're finally here. The end of chapter 7. It's Christmas…under a month early. So that's bearable right? Uhh quickly thank you to Brooke and Taylor, as I said above. Brooke – you're still my star beta girl, thank you!! And Taylor – for all those conversations, the little ideas and the in-depth discussions about various characters…what can I say? It was fun too, right! Uhh so enjoy…and feedback would be appreciated, via that little button riiiight down at the bottom of the chapter, or at surrender_something@hotmail.com

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Disclaimer: Me? Own anything? Nope.

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart (who wouldn't be the characters that they are without the rather amazing Noah Wyle/Maura Tierney – I was only saying just now that I wouldn't be able to write stuff like this without the convincing performances they give)

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Rating: PG-13

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Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown," the whole of season 9 and any spoilers or episodes of season10 (which I'm not spoiled for anyway)

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Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

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Chapter 7: This Christmas…

__

Abby's POV

'You're such a perfectionist, you know that?' I tease, pressing play on his highly technical and therefore highly complicated CD player…oh no; I'm sorry, _surround sound system_ or whatever the hell he likes to call it! 'No one's really going to mind if everything looks straight and nice and perfect…when you consider the amount of alcohol they're likely to consume, none of them will be seeing straight by the end of the night anyway!' 

'You put it so nicely' he comments, laughing as we push the couch into a corner. I grab his hand and he twirls me around briefly before pulling me back towards him. I raise an eyebrow, wrapping my arms round his neck. 

'Something you wanted, _Doctor_ Carter?' I query, giving him a quick kiss on the lips. 

'Reckon they've adjusted to the idea of us being a couple?' 

'Well…when you consider how quickly your Christmas party became _our_ Christmas party…I'd say they've pretty much gotten used to it!' I reply, swaying gently in time with the music.

'You're in a very…affectionate mood this evening' he comments, rubbing small circles on my waist with his fingertips. I smile, tilting my head to look at him. 

'Affectionate is good' I murmur, running a fingertip over his lips. 'Reckon they'd notice if this party just ceased to happen? Cause right now I don't exactly feel like being…sociable' 

'We're going to have to work on controlling these desires of yours' he comments, teasingly brushing his lips against mine before pulling away and walking into the kitchen. 

'Remind me to torture you with this level of teasing later' I quip, flicking my hair back over my shoulders. 

'I'll look forward to it!' he calls over his shoulder, as the doorbell rings. 'Can you answer that?'

'What did your last slave die of?' I query, heading towards the door nonetheless. 

'Extreme exhaustion' he retorts cheerfully as I open the door, to reveal Susan closely followed by Jing-Mei, Chuny and a hoard of other County staff. 

'What put that smile on your face? Oh no…don't tell me. I'd rather not know the intricate details of you and Carter's sex life' Ahh. You can always trust Susan to turn the conversation to that of a very inappropriate nature within mere seconds of her arrival. 

'Hello to you too Susan. And who said I was even thinking about telling you any details?' 

'You didn't say that on Monday, as far as I recall. Your precious Sunday off was related in all too much detail!' 

'Abby!' whoops. John _so_ wasn't meant to find out about that conversation. Damn Susan – she so saw him coming! 

'She dragged it out of me!' I exclaim, walking over to him and leaning up to whisper in his ear 'besides, I'll make it up to you later. And that'll be completely private!' 

'Don't even want to _think_ about what you just said!' Jing-Mei chimes in, gesturing to the grin that spread across John's face just seconds after my previous comment. He laughs, wrapping his arms round my waist as everyone troops into his apartment. 

Not something I'd inflict on my own place, I can tell you that much. 

…

I lift myself off the couch, as Pratt turns his full attentions back to Jing-Mei. Much as I _love_ hearing about Greg Pratt's social life, hearing him harp on about…whatever the hell he's been talking about for the last fifteen minutes…can begin to irritate. 

I give Susan a little wave, catching her eye as she's mid-conversation with Luka. Hmm, they're getting on rather well. I'll have to remember to tease her about that at some point in the near future – hey, a girl's gotta get her revenge sometime!

'Abby, what star sign are you?' Randi queries, appearing at my shoulder.

'Uhh, Capricorn' I reply distractedly, watching as Carter laughs at some joke Chuny's telling. Damn, he's gotta be the most distracting person I know. 

'And Carter?' 

'Gemini' I mutter, without hesitation. 

'Oohh, we know one another's birthdays huh?' she teases, bringing me totally back to the conversation. 

'Randi, what are you on about?' I inquire, pulling my hair back into a ponytail for a few seconds, before releasing it. 'You know as well as anyone else that I don't believe in all that astrological crap' 

'I wouldn't have put a Gemini and a Capricorn together. Conflicting personalities, in my opinion' 

'Opposites attract' I counter. I've gotta admit this is quite amusing. She's so totally involved in this whole astrological thing…the reason has never really been clear to me, but it's generally best to humour her. 

'Makes for a somewhat feisty relationship, wouldn't you say?' she persists, flicking her hair out of her face with one hand. 

'I wouldn't have a clue' 

'But then again…' she pauses, obviously contemplating something. You know, I'm not so sure if I like this whole people concocting ideas about the state of my relationship. Funny how it never bothered me that much before. 'You do make a particularly cute couple' 

'Why thank you Randi, I've always thought so myself' Ahh. Just when I was getting in deeper than I'm able to get out of, I find myself spun round into his arms. I give him a shrug and a clueless grin, before turning momentarily back to Randi. 

'I really don't think the stars are going to have any effect on this relationship Randi. We're hardly about to give up now' 

'And if you'll excuse us, I need a second opinion on something. You know how hopeless us men are' he offers what I'd consider to be a rather fake looking smile, before steering me away into the kitchen. I smile at the relative silence, wrapping my arms round his neck.

'Something you wanted, _Doctor_ Carter?' I ask playfully, running the tips of my fingers through his hair. 

'Just some quality time alone with my girlfriend' 

'But its your party. You're meant to mingle. Didn't they teach you anything in that mansion of yours?' I quip, laughing.

'Correction. In their eyes, it's _our_ party. And most of them appear to be well on their way to being so drunk that they won't actually remember how many times they spoke to either of us. So why not take what little chances we get?' 

You know what? That idea sounds _most_ acceptable to me. And considering that Kerry's decided to sneakily limit our time together, I guess I should be taking his advice. 

I open my mouth to reply, but he swoops in on the opportunity and kisses me quickly before I have the chance to say any more. I laugh softly, catching his lower lip between my teeth for a few seconds. 

'Take it you're not so against the idea any more?' 

'Mmm not _quite_ so against it, you could say. In fact, you could go as far as to say I'm enjoying it! I give him a small nod, looking up at him through my eyelashes.

'Stop trying to distract me Miss Lockhart…' he retorts, laughing. I rub the back of his neck gently, reaching up to kiss the tip of his nose.

'Aww I'm sorry, were you expecting me to be nice to you?' 

'I _always_ expect you to be nice to me!' he counters, pulling that…annoyingly cute…sad face of his. I smile, leaning closer to kiss him, pausing when there's just the smallest distance between his lips and mine…

'Hey…watch those wandering hands of yours!' I admonish, slapping his hand gently. 

'You're denying me of life's little pleasures Ab! There's gotta be a law against that' he protests, trying his hardest to keep a straight face as I laugh. 

'I'm sure I can find…some way to make it up to you!' Damn him. No really, _damn him._ I don't giggle. I don't…

Okay so maybe I do. 

'Right. Will you two please stop…doing whatever inappropriate stuff here and make an appearance at your own party please!' Well that's one thing you can rely on Susan for…well, spoiling the moment! 

'Busted!' I mutter with a grin, grabbing his hand as I make my way back through…they may be my friends, but I'm sure as hell not facing them on my own!

…

'I'm still not convinced. They're going to hate me. They're actually going to hate me John' I know I'm babbling, and I know I sound like an idiot...but how the hell am I meant to keep calm when I've got to cope with his family? I knew this was a bad idea - in fact we should probably turn back now, in a matter of...ooh, fifteen minutes, we could be curled up on his sofa watching some made-for-tv Christmas movie... 

'Abby relax. Just...relax. They're not going to hate you; you're not going to fall flat on your face. You're not going to use the wrong knife and fork and you're not going to say anything stupid.' Right. Yeah, that's the reason why I'm going out with him. Because he can read my mind, finish my sentences...and yeah I suppose to an extent he can calm me down... 

But this still isn't going to work. 

'It's your family though! It's your dad, and your grandmother. How can I relax?' 

'By thinking something along the lines of "thank god it's not his mother?"' he kids, glancing at me briefly. 'Hey...c'mon, it's not really that bad is it?' 

'...yeah?' I offer, shrugging slightly. He stretches out a hand, and I take it, smiling slightly as he brings both our hands to rest on the steering wheel. 

'Just be yourself Ab, that's all you'll need to impress them. It worked for me' 

'But you're not them' 

'I'm a Carter, right? So there can't be _that_ much difference' he reasons. Damn I hate the logical side of him…especially when said side happens to be right. 

'You are different though. You were already involved…and plus, you're easier to talk round' I counter, laughing softly. He gives me a wounded look, and I poke him lightly, relaxing back in my seat. 

Maybe I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one. I suppose his family could surprise me. You know, if miracles actually happen…

Oh this just isn't going to work. 

…

'Abby, why don't we take a walk? I'll show you the gardens while John and he grandmother catch up?' Damn. This is going from bad to worse. If I hadn't done enough by appearing like a nervous wreck _right_ the way though that…pretty impressive…dinner, now I actually have to talk to John's dad _without _John there. 

He walks towards the door and…oh right, _this_ is where I'm supposed to follow. I stand up, and before I've taken two steps I feel John's hand pulling me backwards. He gives me a small smile and places a light kiss on my lips before mouthing "you'll be fine" and giving my hand one last squeeze before walking over to his grandmother.

Well I'm really on my own now. 

I follow him through the maze of corridors, perfecting my _"I'm not nervous, really I'm not" _face on the way. I think I've got it down to a fine art now. He holds the door open for me, before following me into the gardens. 

'You've seen this before, so I guess you know I have some kind of ulterior motive right?' Jack asks, gesturing to a bench. I sit down, mentally running through all the reasons why John and I _aren't_ just a fling. 

'I…' 

'Don't look so scared. John's been building us up to be the family from hell, right?' I shrug slightly, offering him a small smile. 'I just wanted a chance to get to know his girlfriend a bit better. It's fairly obvious that you two are pretty serious so…'

'I guess we are. But it's still fairly new to be honest' 

'That may very well be, but you looked so comfortable together, and John…well he's happier than I've seen him in a long time, and I'm willing to bet that the main reason for that is you.' he comments, smiling. 'My son isn't reputed for his taste in women, if I'm perfectly honest but…that may be changing.'

'You mean you approve?' I ask hesitantly, glancing at him properly for the first time.

'Of your relationship? It's hardly my place to approve or disapprove!' he replies with a laugh. 'John's old enough to make his own decisions, and I'm perfectly happy to let him make this one, if that's what you're asking' he adds, smiling. I think that I might be making a fool out of myself here.

'Well I know that your opinions mean a lot to him…' I explain, a smile crossing my face - you know I think I might grow to like his dad. 

'I'm not so sure that they do to be honest. John's got a mind of his own - we learnt the hard way that he's all too willing to speak it. But I'll tell you this Abby, I'd much rather see John with someone he loves, and who clearly loves him back, than with someone his mother's chosen purely because she's from the "appropriate circle"' he explains, smiling at me. I offer him a genuine smile back…although I must admit I'm slightly shocked, it was hardly the reaction I was exp…

Hang on a minute. Was he talking about love? 

'I…' I begin, unsure how to phrase it, but he cuts me off, a knowing look in his eyes. 

'Yes he does love you Abby. I know my son well enough to know that. And I have a sneaking suspicion, although I'm in no real position to assume this, that you love him too' 

'Umm, well…' I falter, feeling my cheeks going ever so slightly red. Good job its fairly dark out here - maybe he won't notice. 'I didn't realise that was so…obvious?' 

'Well it's not, unless you're specifically looking for it.' so he _was_ watching us. I knew it. 'It's the little things - his hand was always on your back, or your arm...he spent a good 90% of the meal staring at you with a smile on his face and I couldn't help but notice the way you look at him when you think no one's watching you' 

Okay this conversation is now verging on being downright embarrassing. I'm not sure I really want his dad to be picking up on things like that. 

'Don't worry, it's a good thing' he adds, clearly reading the look on my face in…exactly the right way. 

'I can see where Carter gets some of his…personality traits…from' I comment, laughing at the thoroughly confused look on his face. 'Its just…you're actually really similar. Some of the things you say…'

'Like father like son?' he queries, and I nod. 'Just don't mention it to him, I'm not sure how keen he'd be to learn that.' He jokes, smiling. 'So have you had the…pleasure, of meeting my ex-wife yet?' 

Ah, Eleanor Carter. How did I know she'd come up at least once tonight?

'We've…met in passing, yes. A while ago though, before John and I were…'

'Well just don't let her put you off, okay? My ex-wife doesn't have what you'd call conventional views, and I'd hate for her to ruin what the two of you have in any way' he adds, standing up and extending a hand to me. I smile as we start to walk in. 

'Thank you for…well, for not judging us…or me' 

'We're not like Eleanor – she just married into the family, the rest of us aren't so quick to judge' he comments, stopping for a moment to look at me. 'And I'll say this – I'd be more than happy to have you as a daughter-in-law some day, Abby' 

Pardon? Did he just say…he just said what I think he said, right?

'Oh, I don't think we're that…' I falter, unsure what to say.

'Don't rule anything out' he counters, still smiling.

'I won't…'

…

'Well you survived' 

'You know John, your family really aren't as bad as you make them out to be' 

'You haven't met my mother' 

'Funny. Your dad said something along those lines' I comment slyly, twisting in my seat so I have a better view of him. 

'That reminds me. What exactly _did_ my father say to you out there? You were out there a fair amount of time' he inquires, attempting…and failing…to be casual. 

'Well lets just say I've got one admirer in your family. He's very…perceptive. Not at all unlike you, actually' I smile, as he forces himself to keep his eyes on the road. 'He was nice. May have imagined a little too much about our relationship…'

'Abby!'

'Not in that way! Just because it's on your mind twenty four seven doesn't mean it is on everyone else's!' I counter, laughing. He pulls a wounded face, trying to hide a smile at the same time. 

'That hurts Abby' 

'Get over it' I mutter good-naturedly. 'What I was _trying_ to imply was that there were a couple of not-so-subtle comments about marriage' 

'Oh god! Abby I'm sorry…' He jumps in, instantly serious. 'I had no…why are you laughing?' 

'I don't mind John! It was kinda sweet, actually' I explain, squeezing his arm gently. 'I like your dad. I didn't think I'd end up saying that, but I do' 

'I'm really glad' he replies softly…and the look in his eyes shows me just how important it was to him. Impulsively I lean over, kissing his cheek. 'What was that for?'

'Oh I dunno…for being you?' 

'Well just…don't distract me too much' he counters gently, smiling all the time.

'John…?' I ask, after a slight pause. He glances at me for a moment, waiting for me to continue before looking back at the road. 'Did your grandmother like me?'

'What makes you ask that?'

'I just…I don't know, she didn't seem very…'

'Abby, she likes you. Trust me' he replies softly, catching my eye for a moment as we near his apartment. 

'How do you know?' 

'You know what she said to me while you were outside?' he asks, parking the car outside his apartment block, before turning to look at me, capturing both my hands in his. 'She said that we remind her of her and my grandfather when they were younger…which is quite the compliment'

Wow. 

'She also said you shouldn't be so nervous, that you didn't need to try so hard to make a good impression – she liked you because of the person she saw when you relaxed' he adds softly, smiling. 'Abby…you okay?' 

'Yeah, I just…I know now how much tonight meant to you' I whisper, leaning over to kiss him properly. I feel him smile more, resting a hand on the back of my neck to draw the kiss out as long as possible. 

I eventually pull away, running a hand through my hair as I attempt to conceal a yawn. He laughs softly, leaning over me to open the door. 

'Come on. Bedtime for you!' 

Hmm. Yeah, bedtime sounds pretty good to me!

…

'Hey gorgeous'

Oh he's _so_ lucky Susan's not following me. Then he really would be in trouble. Not that I mind him complimenting me…I mean, it's taken a while to get used to, but it's not something I minded adapting to! I'd just…much rather keep those sorta things private.

I open the door of my locker, deliberately not looking at him. I hear him get up, and his footsteps are soft but not _that_ soft, so the arms sneaking round my waist that were clearly meant to be a surprise just…aren't. 

'I've barely seen you all day' he murmurs, dropping gentle kisses on the side of my neck. I laugh softly, swinging my locker door open…and darting forwards to catch an envelope that falls out. 

Funny, looks remarkably like something you put photos in…but I didn't bring any photos into work today…. If this is another one of his little 'secret messages' I'll…well, secretly I'll be quite pleased, but there's _no_ way it'll be getting into the hands of a certain Dr Lewis this time! 

'Very sweet John, but I thought we said no more little notes while we're working. You know what happened last time' 

'Wasn't me Ab, this is the first break I've had in five hours. Maybe this is some secret admirer!' 

'Yeah…like that'll happen'

'Well, open it and find out' he urges, resting his chin on my shoulder.

'I'm going to, give me a chance!' I lift the flap on the envelope, and lift out a sheet of paper. Covering it is Susan's instantly recognisable doctor's scrawl. You know the type of writing, the kind that no patients can read, yet almost every member of staff has grown accustomed to. But like John's really. I'm considering suggesting that a course in reading such handwriting should be incorporated into any medical training course. 

But anyway, Susan's note.

__

Please don't kill me Abby!

I just couldn't let your first Christmas go by without making some record of it – I know you'll never remember! 

Love Susan

Plus, you guys make such a cute couple! 

'Umm, John…'

'This sounds ominous' 

'Tell me about it' I reply, shrugging my shoulders slightly. He pulls his best _'it'll be fine'_ face and considers what we're about to see…if his mind's working anything like mine right now, he's wondering what compromising positions Susan could possibly have caught us in! 

Scary thought. Trust me.

'Well lets look at them then' he finally comments, giving my hand a gentle tug as he heads over to the middle of the room, sitting on one of the chairs. I follow, dropping the envelope onto the table before settling myself on his lap. He smiles, wrapping an arm around my waist to steady me. As I lift the photos out of their envelope, he slips a hand under my top, rubbing his thumb gently over the skin just about the waistband of my scrub pants. I laugh softly, turning round to kiss him quickly…

…before turning my attention away from that more than welcome distraction, back to the matter in hand, readying myself for Susan's worst.

Again. Scary thought.

I pick up the first photo, and can't help but laugh. It's of our _private_ moment in the kitchen, my arms wrapped round his neck…right after the whole "wandering hands" incident, if I remember rightly. 

'I _knew_ someone had to have seen something' I admonish lightly, handing the photo to him, laughing as he leans closer, resting his head on my shoulder in the process. 

'And trust it to be Susan?' 

'Hmm. I think it would only be fair to say we've completely and utterly ruined her innocent view of our relationship'

'Uhh…what innocent view was that? I was under the impression that the words innocent and Susan…didn't go together!'

'Be nice' I counter. 'At least she's given these to us, instead of sticking them up somewhere!' 

'True. So lets look at the next one' he urges, tickling me lightly. I laugh, stretching forward to pick up the next one. Ahh, this was funny. He was having what appeared to be the most pointless conversation I'd ever heard…although it was with Pratt, so I'm not quite sure why I'm surprised! Anyway, I was a little bored so I decided to…catch him unawares, so to speak. 

I feel him laugh, wrapping both arms round my waist as I lean back against him, smiling at the memory of that moment. I twist slightly to look at him, feeling a moment of sheer cruel teasing coming on. 

'I've never seen you move that quickly John! It wasn't even as if I hurt you! It was just a…gentle slap!' I joke, laughing at the wounded look on his face.

'Abby you slapped my ass. As a result of which, Pratt will never see us in the same way again' 

'Looks like we destroyed a lot of opinions about our relationship that night!' I giggle, reaching forward for the next photo. 

'I think you might be right there.'

Aww. Okay, so I like this picture. Whatever comments I may make about Susan choosing the most inappropriate moments to capture our relationship…she takes a damn good photo! 

'I take back what I said about Susan' he comments, as if reading my mind. It's us, standing under a piece of strategically placed mistletoe, kissing. It was only meant to be a short kiss, to satisfy those colleagues who seemed to be determined to get a public display of affection out of us…but from this photo, its perfectly clear to see we got a little carried away with the moment. 

'I wouldn't go that far. I agree it's a great photo, but…somehow I don't think she took the picture because we looked sweet. I know how that woman's mind works.' He laughs, squeezing me lightly. 

'That's one we'll have to frame. That way if we ever get dull and boring, we'll have something to work towards' 

'Not that you're even suggesting that's going to happen, of course' I counter, kissing his cheek as he picks up the next photo. He settles back, holding the photo out so I can examine it. 'You know I'm beginning to think Susan might be secretly taking photography lessons. She seems to have a knack for taking photos from just the right angle' 

'Either that, or she's lucky!' he jokes, smiling. I laugh, looking at the photo closer. I remember the moment – Chuny and Randi joined forces to pair everyone up every time a slow song came on, and we were the done deal. Not that we minded, you understand. This particular time, my head was resting on his shoulder as he leaned over to whisper…something…to me. 

'John…what were you saying?' I ask, gesturing to the photo. He thinks for a moment, before laughing. 

'Something along the lines of "how soon do you think we can get rid of them because I'd love to see _just_ how affectionate you can be tonight?"' 

'Ah. And if Susan had taken that photo moments later, it would have been of me slapping you, right?'

'Spot on Miss Lockhart. Right, last photo' he urges, gesturing to it. I lean forward and pick it up…and laugh at the sheer irony of it. I show it to John, who also laughs. It's us, right at the end of the night. He was sitting on the couch and I decided to plant myself on his lap. His arms are round my waist, and I'm leaning against him looking…unfortunately, very tired.

So _now_ you see the irony of the situation? Considering the position we're sitting in right now?

'Isn't she a lovely friend' John comments, pushing me gently into a standing position. It's hard to establish whether that was meant sarcastically or not, so I pretend to consider it for a while. 

'Her…heart's in the right place.' I eventually answer, slipping the photos back into their envelope and placing them in my pocket…just for safe keeping you understand…_these_ photos getting into the wrong hands just isn't worth considering. 

He holds open the door for me and I walk through, laughing.

'Ever the gentleman' I tease, turning to face him. He shakes his head. 

'Think about that one for a moment. It means I get to walk behind you…and that's not exactly a bad view!' 

'John!' I admonish, tugging him over to the side of the corridor. He laughs, leaning against the wall and pulling an innocent face. 'Keep…_those_ thoughts to yourself in future' 

'Yes miss!' he mocks, grabbing my hand and pulling me closer. I laugh, sliding my hand up to rest just below his elbow.

'So, you fancy helping me come up with a plan of revenge against Susan tonight?' I ask coyly, rubbing his arm gently. I feel his hand rest on my back as he pretends to consider this.

'I could think of…much better uses of our time!' He comments seriously, before laughing. I roll my eyes, attempting to come up with a witty response.

'Abby!' Oh…

Crap.

Maggie. 

'Just what I need' I mutter under my breath, spinning around to be confronted with her rapidly approaching. John seems to deem this the perfect moment to take advantage of my sudden change in position by wrapping his arms round my waist and pulling me towards him. 

Secret's out now then. 

'Hold that thought about tonight' he murmurs, his voice startlingly close to my ear. I twist slightly to glare at him, and he mouths an apology, releasing his hold on me slightly as Maggie bounds up to us.

This doesn't look good. 

'Abby...when you told me a couple of weeks ago that nothing new was happening in your life...is this what you classify as nothing new?' she queries, a thoroughly amused look on her face. 

'It's…strictly speaking, it's not what I'd classify as "new"' I counter quickly, laughing. John smiles, releasing his hold around my waist so he can lean against the wall. I squeeze his hand, catching his eye for a moment as I wait for my mom's answer.

'Uhh then what would you classify it as?' Maggie asks.

'I'd say about…3 months old' I offer sheepishly. 

'You certainly…kept that one under wraps' she offers, the smile never once leaving her face. Something doesn't add up here. She's definitely not manic, because her manic phases never make her happy…at least not to these extremes. 

Which means she must be on her meds…but when she's on her meds she's never this happy either. And that…doesn't add up. Not in my books anyway. It does sound a little strange, and maybe I'm overreacting – surely her being happy should be a good thing, full stop?

It's just strange. It's been so long since I've seen her happy. Which, I admit, is mainly my fault because I rarely make the effort to see her unless there's something wrong. 

'So Maggie, what brings you to Chicago?' I jolt back into the present, realising that John could have been debating God only knows what with her. 

'Oh, I had a couple of weeks of holiday left, and Eric gets no time off over Christmas. So I…booked some flights, booked a hotel and came' 

This…is swiftly turning into the Christmas from hell. It was going to be a low-key event…our first Christmas, you know the drill. We've just got used to the idea of actually being together, and suddenly we've got our respective families to contend with, along with some very sneakily rearranged shifts…

But there's one thing I can't deny. 

'It's…really nice to see you mom…' I trail off, giving a small shrug. 

'Nice to see me on my meds, you mean?' she guesses accurately. 'Don't worry. I know you a little better than you think. I'm doing good Abby' 

'I know' I offer sincerely. 'I meant, it's good to see you happy' 

'It's Christmas Abby! How can anyone not be happy?' she enquires, laughing. 'Stopping short of singing you a few choice songs…it's just a cheerful time of year. Plus…' she pauses, as I process that muddle of information. 'This little bombshell of yours was a very welcome surprise. You know I never cared for Richard…Luka was nice enough but I know you never really cared for him…'

'Mom!' I'd really rather not discuss my previous relationships in front of John, if that's quite all right with her! 

'Abby relax. All I was going to say is that you two look…I don't know, happy. Comfortable…relaxed. Talk about me being happy, I don't think I've seen _you_ this happy for a long time' 

'I…yeah, I guess I am happy' I agree softly, smiling at John. He rests a hand on my back, rubbing gently…I mean, the guy _can_ read my mind so he probably knows I'm completely confused by this whole thing.

'Well, we've still got a couple of hours left on our shift so how about we meet after that, go out for dinner? That'd give you some time to unpack, Maggie' okay did I forget to mention that he's a saint as well? He seems to have a knack for smoothing over situations. I smile gratefully at him, as Maggie looks perfectly satisfied with this plan of action. 

'That'd be nice. I'll…let you two get back to work, wouldn't want to get you into trouble!' She jokes, as we head towards the door. I keep a watchful eye out for Dr Weaver…like Maggie says, it'd do us no good to get into trouble. 

'So if we meet about seven…?' I suggest.

'Great. I'll come to your apartment' she replies, hugging me and saying softly 'Its good to see you Abby' 

'Its good to see you too, Mom' I reply, pulling away as she turns again towards the door. 'See you later'

'It'll be so nice to see you over Christmas Abby' she calls as she heads out the door. 

I spin on my heel, making my way rapidly back towards the lounge. I collapse onto the couch, not bothering to look up as I hear the door open, because I know who it is. 

'Abby what's the matter?' he asks softly, walking slowly over to take a seat next to me. I give a slight shrug, running my hand through my hair as I look up at him. 

'Everything's so complicated' I explain feebly. 

'How do you mean?' he probes, as confused as I expected him to be. 

'I don't know…did you not see how different she was? She was just so…lively. Happy…excited' I stumble slightly, unsure how to get my point across.

'Is that not a good thing?' he asks, resting a hand on my leg. 'She's on her meds, not manic as far as I can tell, and she says herself that she's doing well' 

'It's just…'

'Just what?' he asks, and when greeted with silence… 'Abby, tell me' 

'I felt guilty' I eventually whisper, looking back down at the ground. When it becomes clear that he isn't going to say anything in response to that, I continue. 'The first thing I thought when she called out my name was "what if she's not on her meds? I don't think I could cope" and then when she called me on that, it made me feel really selfish for thinking about how it would affect _me_.'

'That's not necessarily a bad thing Ab' 

'How?'

'You've been affected by this your whole life Abby. You may not actually _have_ the disease, thank God, but that doesn't mean you don't have the right to be affected by it' 

'I know you're right' I murmur, pausing for a moment. 'But will you just…hold me for a bit?' He smiles, slipping one arm round my waist as I slide closer, eventually linking it with his other hand as I settle into his embrace.

And then the thought strikes me.

'Oh my god, what are we going to do? We can't see your family _and_ my mom on Christmas Day, and there's no way in hell I'm putting them together!' 

'No one's saying we have to' he comments, tightening his hold around my waist as I pull away slightly.

'Well what other way round this is there?' I counter, unclasping his hands as I turn to face him.

'Well…we could always eat two Christmas dinners' Oh right. _Now_ is the right time to joke, huh? Just…great. 

'It's not funny' I snap, the words sounding slightly too harsh, even to me. I stand up; walking over to the window just in time to see Susan and Chuni heading towards the doors, gowns and gloves in hand; Jing-Mei and Pratt having what would appear to be an…argument over a chart; and Randi flicking through a magazine. 

I don't know what to say to him. There is nothing to say. There's no way we can choose one family over the other, I'd just end up feeling guilty.

'Abby…' 

'Yeah?' 

'Why is it such a big deal?' 

'Because if we go and see your family then I'll feel guilty because my mom came all the way here just to spend time with me. But if we see my mom, I'll feel guilty because I don't want my family to take over like it always seems to do' 

'Abby you need to relax' he replies, standing up and beginning to walk over to me.

'You're not helping' I snap, turning back towards the window…because if I don't I know I'll say something I'll regret. Not that I haven't already. 

'Neither is you snapping at me' 

'Well forgive me for not being able to just cast it all to the back of my mind!' I counter, a hint of bitterness creeping into my voice. 

He's not saying anything. This _isn't_ a good sign. And this has got to stop…quickly. 

'John…'

'I don't want to argue with you Abby, I really don't' he replies quickly, his voice soft and clearly controlled – he doesn't like showing when he's hurt, but I know he is…and this time it's my fault. 

'I'm sorry. I'm sorry…' I take a few steps towards him, waiting for him to look up at her. 'I'm just a little…'

'Lets not spoil our first Christmas with stupid arguments' he says softly, extending a hand to me. I offer him a small smile, taking his hand and closing the distance between us. I feel his arms snake around my waist and I raise my own, looping them around his neck. He smiles at this, and I reach up, kissing his cheek quickly. 

He smiles, taking advantage of the situation and leaning down to capture my lips in a proper kiss. I smile, leaning slightly further into him as he captures my bottom lip between his. I move a hand to rub the back of his neck as he sits on the edge of the table, pulling me closer still. I take advantage of this equality in height, and slowly deepen the kiss, until the need for oxygen becomes slightly too great to ignore. 

He pulls away and rests his chin on my shoulder, placing gentle butterfly kisses on my neck. He eventually settles for just resting his head there, as I continue to massage the back of his neck gently with my thumb. 

'Abby, lets just spend Christmas on our own' he suggests, his breath warm on my neck. 'You're the one I want to spend the day with…and I'd rather not share you' I use my hand to make him look at me, before kissing him again quickly. He smiles, turning me round so I'm leaning against him, holding me closer. 

'Christmas on our own it is then' I agree, linking my hands with his. 'I'm sorry for getting stressed out just now' 

'Don't worry. I'm used to it' he teases light-heartedly. I hit him lightly, pulling out of his arms. 

'Right. Back to work before Weaver decides it _would_ be a good idea to make us work Christmas Day!'

…

'Abby…'

'Five more minutes' I mumble into the pillow, curling away from him.

'It's Christmas Ab! You can't sleep' he urges, wrapping an arm round my waist as he lowers his lips to my neck. 

Way too early. Christmas or no Christmas I don't do this early in the morning. Not for anyone, and especially not for him! 

'I'm not asleep. I'm just not going to move' I mutter, attempting to be annoyed.

'I guess you don't want your present then' 

'Present?' now we're talking. I might just move for this. 

'Well if you don't want it…'

Ah, we're playing that game. 

'I'm awake, I'm awake' I roll over, only to be greeted by a grin that can only be described as…scarily childlike. 

I didn't realise he liked, no _loved_, Christmas so much. Maybe there's some psychological explanation, something to do with that whole "we show no emotion" mantra his family seemed to have…

But to be perfectly honest, I've not got the brainpower right now to figure that one out. He smiles, leaning forward to kiss me. 

I laugh softly, rolling over so I can prop my chin on his chest. He rests a hand at the back of my neck, leaning over to pick up a little box, wrapped…extraordinarily well I have to admit, with little gold ribbons securing the paper. 

'Happy Christmas' he murmurs, kissing my nose then my lips as he places the box in my hands. 

'You're very…affectionate this morning' I comment, my voice sounding slightly low and sleepy even to me. 

'It's Christmas, and I get to spend the entire day with you. Why wouldn't I want to be affectionate?' he enquires, and I smile, initiating my own kiss. 'Aren't you going to open it then?' 

'Give me a chance!' I chide jokingly, lifting the box up. 

Hmm. Small, slightly rectangular in shape, not too heavy…I wonder if its jewellery? 

You would have thought John Carter would come up with a way to conceal that fact, right? 

I pull the ribbons gently, attempting to keep them intact. Which is easier said than done – I didn't realise John was an expert gift wrapper. Ah well. It makes it all the more exciting. 

'Could you go any slower? Oh, don't tell me…you're one of those people who saves the gift wrap right?'

'Well…'

'Sentimental value, right?'

'Something like that' I reply, laughing. I eventually remove the gift-wrap…and reveal, just as I thought, a black velvet jewellery box.

'Come on Ab! The suspense is killing me and I _know_ what it is!' he urges, tracing a light pattern on my back. I smile, painstakingly slowly lifting the lid open…

…and lift out what seems to be…a silver charm bracelet. I balance it on two fingers, biting my lip as I look up at him. He smiles, taking it from my hand without saying a word, a look of pure concentration on his face as he fastens it around my wrist. 

'There is a story' he explains, before I have the chance to ask as I try to interpret the meaning behind each of the little charms hanging from the delicate chain. 

'It's beautiful John' I murmur, leaning forward to kiss him lightly. 'So…explain it to me then?' 

'Well' he begins, lifting my arm and leaning forward to kiss the back of my hand gently. He takes the first charm between his fingers. 'A coffee cup. For all the times we've sat in Doc Magoo's for hours, just talking…' 

'There have been a few' I smile, running a finger over the little charm. I didn't even think that he'd have put so much thought into this…

'A car' he continues, touching the next charm, 'for that infamous trip to Oklahoma. It may not have been the greatest of moments…'

'It meant more to me than you'll ever know' I whisper, looking up at him. He smiles, squeezing my free hand gently as he moves the bracelet so I can see the next charms. 'A fish? This one's going to need a bit of explaining, I think' 

'Do the words Luka's apartment, a fish tank and a police car mean nothing to you Ab?' 

'Ohh…' I laugh, remembering the day – it's hard to forget the time I almost got us both arrested, really! I was convinced…sort of hoping, subconsciously, that something might happen that day.

But I guess it was for the best. It couldn't really be said I was over Luka at that point, and I'd only have ended up hurting John. 

'I think…that that day was a turning point in our relationship'

'I think it's the only time someone's nearly gotten me arrested' he jokes, placing a kiss on my lips. I watch as he touches the next charm, which looks like a little baseball glove. 'You told me it was your favourite sport as a kid.'

'And who could forget that ER softball game…you know, they're similar' I amend with a smile.

'That time your mom came?' he asks, and I nod. 

'It was my favourite as a kid. I remember teaching Eric how to play…he was hopeless at first' I recall with a laugh. He smiles, resting a hand on my cheek.

'It's nice to see you smile when you talk about your childhood' 

'We did have some good times' I reply as he glances down at the last two charms on the bracelet.

'A butterfly…which links with the last one. A tornado' he adds, as I lean forward to determine the identity of that particular charm.

'I don't understand…'

'Chaos theory' he replies, clearly waiting for that lightbulb to magically light up inside my head…

'Yeah. You still lost me' 

'The flapping of the wings of a butterfly can, given time, change the course of a tornado halfway around the word. It's a lack of predictability in life, love, relationships…you change one thing, you subconsciously change everything' 

'So kinda like serendipity, all that fortunate accident stuff?' 

'In a way, yeah. It just reminded me of us. You know, we were just two separate people, but since we met it's like I've been drawn to you…and it's a situation I'm in no real hurry to get out of' 

'Wow…' I whisper, glancing down at his hand holding my arm gently. I never even imagined he'd put this much thought into this bracelet. I mean, jewellery's a great present, but it never seems to require much thought, does it?

Well this would be the exception that proves the rule. 

'John it's beautiful' I add, leaning forward to kiss him. He smiles, resting his hands on my back again. I pull away a little, to whisper 'thank you' before kissing him again. 

Eventually I pull away, rolling over so I can grab his present. I prop myself up on one elbow facing him and deposit two boxes on the bed between us. 

'Your turn. Open this one first' I urge him, holding up the larger of the two. He takes it…and removes the gift-wrap in record time, compared to me anyway. I catch his eye and laugh, as he lifts the lid of the box he's revealed. I lean over and lift the watch gently from its cushioned position, watching him take in what he obviously expected to be an empty space. 

I take the opportunity, and slide the watch onto his wrist, smiling at the perfect fit. He smiles, kissing my cheek as I lift his hand, placing a kiss on his fingertips. 

'A key?' he then asks, taking the hidden item from the box. 

'To my apartment' I affirm, smiling. 'I mean, I've stolen your spare one…and I wanted you to have a key. You're spending as much time there as I am at the moment, so it just…feels right.' He smiles, running his fingertips gently through my hair as I trace the outline of the watch face, resting on his wrist. 

'The watch is great. And the key…'

'I know' I murmur, as he pauses to search for the right words. 'Now open the next one before we start getting all sentimental' I add, moving closer as he slips an arm round my shoulders, taking the lid off the second box. I smile, pulling the covers up around us again as he lifts out the small glass angel. 

'Okay this is one you're going to have to explain to me' 

'My mom gave me a pair of these when I was about eleven. It was…the one good Christmas I remember. She told me that her mom had given them to her when she was about that age, and that they were supposed to symbolise…luck, happiness and hope. I remember her saying something about how you're meant to give them to someone you love, which I assume she meant to mean my kids. But…my life is good now, with you. And maybe…if we're still together, and we have children, we'll give them to them' 

'Abby…' he eventually says, after a considerable pause. I look up from the tiny angel, to see what I think can only be tears in his eyes.

'Happy Christmas' I murmur, looping my arms round his neck, smiling at the silver bracelet gleaming in the light as he stands the angel, in its box, on the table. 

'You…you are amazing' he whispers, kissing me again. I smile, placing a kiss on the tip of his nose. 

'I'm lucky to have you' I reply, tilting my head slightly. 

'I could say the same' 

'So what do you want to do with the rest of the day?' 

'Umm…staying here sounds pretty good to me?' he comments, that familiar cheeky grin spreading across his face. 

'Oh we're _so_ not spending _all_ of Christmas Day in bed!' 

'Well we're not spending the entire day watching Christmas movies either' he counters, wrapping his arms tighter round my waist. 

'You mean the idea of curling up on the couch together under a big blanket doesn't appeal to you in the slightest?' 

'Now you're talking!' well I wonder how I knew I'd get that response? 'But…staying here still sounds good!' I laugh as he drops little butterfly kisses on my neck…one of his tried-and-tested persuasion techniques! One of his techniques that's _not_ working today! We didn't spend ages agonising over what to do, who to see…just to spend the entire day in bed.

Not that I'd normally complain of course, but…it's Christmas! 

Although I have to admit, I'm getting less and less opposed to the idea as his hands trace little patterns all over my back and sides…

'Okay a compromise. We'll spend…the morning right here, but this afternoon is my choice. Deal?' 

'Deal' he agrees, rolling over so that I'm lying underneath him. I laugh, feeling my breathing quicken as he slides the strap of my top down my shoulder, quickly replacing it with a trail of hot kisses…

I shiver slightly, and he laughs, trailing his lips back up to my mouth.

'How do you fancy another Christmas present?' he enquires, a smile playing at the corner of his lips. I laugh, pulling him back down for another kiss.

'You really do have a one-track mind!' I joke, rubbing the back of his neck gently, as he starts to kiss down my chest… 'But if you insist…'

I have a feeling that this is going to be one Christmas present I won't forget in a _long_ while! 

Come to think of it, it's one Christmas in general that's going to be unforgettable, and if this is his way of making it just that…

Well, who am I to complain?


	8. New Traditions

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We'll Always Remember

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Author's Notes: Thanks to Brooke who was, as always, a great beta and gave me some great advice in this chapter. To Taylor who, in her own words, is "living vicariously through me when it comes to ER fic." Thank you for the medical advice in this chapter too! To Sarah (ceb) for some other medical queries I had, to Helen (golden rainbow) and everyone else who I've moaned incessantly to about writer's block. Love you guys! Umm and I guess (as I've said this to several people) another couple of thank you's, even though they'll never read this – to Noah and Maura for making their characters so convincing that there have been moments where this story has practically written itself.

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Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Don't claim to own 'em. End of story.

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Characters: John Carter/Abby Lockhart (as I said, kudos to Noah Wyle and Maura Tierney for the performances they give)

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Rating: PG-13

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Spoilers: Nothing after "The Letter"/"On The Beach". Forget all about the events of "Lockdown," the whole of season 9 and any spoilers or episodes of season10 (which I'm not spoiled for anyway)

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Summary: the tale of a friendship progressing into something much more, told through a series of poignant firsts charting discoveries about each other, their relationship...and love.

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Chapter 8: New Traditions

__

Abby's POV (section in italics in the middle = 3rd person)

There's something about early mornings in the ER that doesn't seem to agree with me. Even more so today…I'm finding it particularly hard to put a smile on my face and at least pretend to be remotely cheerful. 

I flick through the charts, selecting one at random before searching for a pen.

'You might want to avoid the guy in exam two Ab. Not a very pretty smell' Susan comments, giving me a wry smile as she leans on the desk next to me.

'I'll bear that in mind' 

'Oh, I meant to ask. How's Carter doing?' she enquires, gesturing to the date I've just written at the top of my chart. I stare at it for a moment, glancing up at her and giving a slight shrug, before focusing back on the chart.

I guess today's going to be like this. 

'He's…' I pause, considering what my answer actually is. 'I don't know Susan, I really don't. This morning I…all I really wanted to do was hug him.' 

'Sounds like exactly what he needs. He'll talk, when he's ready…and you'll be there. In the meantime you'll just have to let him deal with today in his own way' 

'I know you're right, but it's still frustrating' I comment, shrugging my shoulders slightly. She smiles, squeezing my shoulder gently before lifting a couple more charts out of the rack.

'You'll figure something out' 

I giver her a slight smile in return, before heading off to exam two. Pushing my way though the door, I vow to put all thoughts of John and Valentine's Day out of my head. 

'Mr…Jackson? My name's Abby. You've…hurt your arm, I see?' 

'Bloody Dave, wouldn't leave without a fight' he slurs, flashing what appears to be a drunken smile in my direction. 

'You got _that_ from a fight?' 

'Yeah' he mutters defensively. 'I…fell on some broken glass' 

'Right. Have you been drinking Mr Jackson?' I ask wearily, making some notes on the chart.

'I _was_ at a party' he counters sarcastically. 

'I assumed as much. Well I'm going to get a doctor to come through, and then we'll send you up to x-ray before suturing that cut. It shouldn't be too long.' I walk out; attempting to conceal my sigh before I'm at least halfway thought the door. 'Susan!' I call, waving the chart in her direction. 'Drunk guy in exam two, fell on broken glass.' 

'Nice drunk or nasty drunk?'

'Sarcastic. Full of himself. Irritating as hell. You get the picture' 

'Lovely! Thanks Abby'

'Anytime Suze'

…

I crouch down to grab a suture kit; my thoughts not really on the whole work thing, if I'm completely honest. I give a gentle push on the floor as I straighten up…

And come face to face with him walking out of the bathroom. He comes to a halt and my eyes are instantly drawn to the almost haunting expression in his eyes. I wish I knew the right words to say. I wish there was something that would make it all vanish…

And more than anything, I wish I could just hold him and never let go.

Funny, I think Weaver might have a problem with that though.

Instead, I settle for reaching out a hand to him, and offering a small smile when he grasps it in his. I take a step closer to him and rest my other hand on his side.

'I just wish everyone would stop asking how I'm holding up' he eventually says softly, shaking his head slightly. 

'John…'

'Its okay. You're the exception.' He interrupts me, resting a hand on my back. 'I just hate feeling that people are stopping their conversations because I walk into the room'

'It's a crappy day' I offer, squeezing his hand tighter. 'Maybe you should have taken up Weaver's offer of the day off'

'I'm beginning to think you're right.' 

'Look I gotta go help Susan…' I say reluctantly, holding up the forgotten suture kit in my hand. 'But come find me…you know…'

'I know. I might have to take you up on that'

'Anytime' I whisper, resting my head on his shoulder. I know if we stay here any longer then I'll cry, which he really doesn't need right now, so I lift my head and turn slightly, fingers still linked with his. 

A couple of small steps on my behalf lead to our arms being stretched out, and I reluctantly slide my fingers from his grasp, maintaining eye contact for a lingering second before turning away and attempting to turn my thoughts back to the patient.

Damn, today's hard…

So much harder than I thought.

…

__

'Okay Mr Jackson I'm going to give you a local anaesthetic before Dr Lewis comes in. It'll numb the area so you shouldn't feel any pain when she sutures that cut' Abby recites, removing the needle from its plastic wrapping, her mind not entirely on the job. 

'No needles' he slurs, reaching out to grab her wrist, spinning her to look at him. Abby shakes her hand away, slightly uncomfortable with the situation.

'It's only a small injection and trust me, you wouldn't want the procedure without it' she replies, slightly irritated as she picks the needle back up off the tray.

'No needles' he insists more forcefully, lifting himself into the most secure of sitting positions that someone who's consumed immeasurable amounts of alcohol can be in. 

'I'm sure you can handle an injection Mr Jackson. It'll take a few seconds, that's all.' Abby insists, rolling her eyes. 'Now if you'd just keep your arm still for me'

'I mean it! I won't let you do it' he yells, standing up now, towering over Abby's petite frame. 

'Please just sit down Mr Jackson, getting angry won't do anyone any good' she replies calmly, releasing a tiny bit of fluid from the needle in a long since perfected act of preparation as she waits for him to sit down. 

'Get rid of that needle!' in a fit of anger, he knocks the needle from Abby's hand, and watches it land on the suture tray just behind the nurse. Visibly irritated now, Abby turns back to pick up the needle, her lips moving as she mutters some expletive or other under her breath.

Realising her intent, Mr Jackson lashes out, pushing her forcefully away from him, hard enough to send her crashing stomach-first into the nearby gurney. A strangled cry escapes her lips as, reeling from the shock, she collapses onto the floor, hands flying instantly to her stomach as the gurney spins across the room, causing several trays to upturn and send their contents crashing to the ground.

Hearing the cacophony of sounds and deeming them highly abnormal, Susan drops her charts and sets off at a fast-paced jog towards the room, throwing open the doors and taking in the sight before her. 

'Security!' 

…

'Abby? Abby can you hear me?' 

Ugh. 

What the hell?

'Susan?' 

'Glad to see you're still with us. Where's the pain?' she asks, her voice persistent as I open my eyes, wincing slightly at the bright lights. Pain…uhh, everywhere Susan? 

Specifics. Come on Abby, you're a nurse.

'My…ribs, I think. Went…oww…slamming into the gurney' I manage to get out a semi-coherent sentence, simultaneously deciding that moving is a baaad idea.

Damned patient. 

'You didn't lose consciousness did you?' 

'No, unfortunately' I deadpan, wincing again at the pain. 

'Well you know the score, we'll get you into a room and…I can get Carter to do this if you want, I won't take offence' 

'No. Don't tell John' I say, perhaps slightly more forcefully than I meant it to be. 'Sorry' I mutter, to her confused expression. 'Valentines Day. I don't want to make it worse for him than it already is.'

'But leaving it would surely make him more upset when you eventually tell him? Cause you know as well as I do that you can't hide this' she points out…always the voice of reason.

But I can't cope with it all. It sounds selfish, but damnit I think I'm allowed to be a little selfish considering that I was just propelled at full speed into a gurney.

'Its my decision Susan' I reply softly, giving her a look in the hope that she understands.

'Don't blame me if he gets pissed' she counters with a small smile. 'And don't let _him_ blame me, more to the point. But anyway…lets get you sorted' she adds, lifting herself into a crouching position.

'There's not a thing you can do for broken ribs Suze, I know that as well as you'

'Don't…'

'Don't be presumptuous, I know. But hell Susan, I think that it's highly likely' I reply, offering her a smile to let her know I'm not _really_ mad at her. 

'This is gunna hurt like hell Abby, are you ready?' 

'Sure' 

Ready for what exactly? The pain…or Carter's reaction when I can eventually face dealing with him?

…

'Pain excruciating yet?' Ahh, Susan. I can always count on her to make me feel a hundred times better.

'Remind me to work on your bedside manner at a later date' I mutter dryly. She laughs, taking a seat on the gurney and picking up my chart.

'I see the pain isn't affecting your sense of humour' she quips quickly, noting something on the chart. 'Very good self-diagnosis earlier – to be precise, three broken ribs.' I groan – the prospect of this pain sticking around for a decent amount of time is not something I'm overjoyed about. 

'I know the chore. Walking fast will hurt, as will twisting, sitting up, lying down…pretty much everything except being completely still' I recite, eventually laughing at the look on her face.

Crap. 

I guess laughing hurts too.

'You forgot laughing' Susan adds helpfully, smiling. 'I guess it's true that medics make the worst patients.' She pauses, before adding 'at least you have an excuse to make Carter wait on you hand and foot!' she stops again, and I catch a slight change in her expression 'Are you sure I can't persuade you to get him in here? Cause I gotta admit I'm a little confused as to the whole secrecy thing' 

'It's guilt, I suppose. Guilt and selfishness.' I pause, trying to collate my thoughts into a vaguely understandable collection of words. 'Selfishness because this pain has gotta be what the seventh circle of hell feels like…'

'Nice choice of words' she cuts in with a smile. 'I'll have to remember that one.' I shake my head slightly, before continuing.

'But its also because I can't cope with him being upset as well' I add quietly. 'And that makes me feel guilty, because I shouldn't be thinking of myself. He was the one who got stabbed, and it feels like this makes today all about me, which it shouldn't be' 

'He won't blame you…'

'No, but I'll blame myself. All I've been able to think about is that he goes through hell this time every year, and that maybe this year I'd be able to make it a little easier for him…'

'I think the simple fact that you feel like that makes it better for him' she offers, twirling her pen between two fingers as she takes in my sceptical look. 'You gotta work with me here Ab' she adds, slightly frustrated. 

'Another thing? That thing I told you earlier about wanting to hug him…well it might kinda…hurt, now?' Ooh. Her face would be a picture right about now. Incredulous would be a fitting description. 

'You're priceless. So how's the seventh circle of hell?'

'Getting progressively worse' 

'You want something for it?' she asks, concerned, reaching forward to lift up my shirt and study the bruised are. 'Niiice bruise Abby, tops most I've seen' 

'Why thank you. I aim to please…and I don't particularly want to be doped up on drugs – a couple of aspirin would be great though?' 

'Your wish is my command. Chuny?' she calls, gesturing to her to walk over. 'The patient requires aspirin' she explains with a smile.

'Sure. Are you okay Abby?' 

'As long as I don't move it's bearable' I quip, giving Chuny a smile as she leaves. 'Uhh Suze…about the whole John thing' 

'Change of heart?' she asks hopefully, turning back to look at me. 

'Something like that. Break it to him carefully yeah?' I add, returning her smile. She stands up to leave…

'Kerry, why the hell is Abby's name on the board?' Damnit. Susan turns back to me, a look that can only be interpreted as _uh-oh_ on her face. 

'Carter I'm juggling ten patients I can't keep track of your girlfriend's every move too' Kerry's pissed. That doesn't bode well for his mood when he eventually finds out. Susan darts towards the door, ready to dash out and corner Carter when we hear,

'Collision with a gurney thanks to a drunk needle-hater' from the ever-helpful Frank, mouth half full of doughnut no doubt. Susan and I can only watch in silence as John's eyes assess the scene, before starting immediately towards us. Susan stands aside to let him in, giving me a small smile before leaving, pulling the door firmly shut behind her.

'What the hell happened?' 

'John, relax' I don't think I've ever seen him this mad. 'The patient just got a little out of control that's all. I'm okay' 

'But that shouldn't happen! This damned hospital is too concerned with the number of patients it treats, with its status within the city, rather than the safety of the people who work here'

'Just calm down, please'

'When are they going to stop calling it a risk of the job and actually do something to make sure it _isn't_ a risk of the job anymore? Safety should be a priority, how the hell can we be expected to do a good job when there's the constant threat of…idiots…like him' He's not listening to me…I don't think I've ever really seen him like this before. I mean, I've seen him get mad over the job but never to this extent.

'You're scaring me John' 

'And what the hell did he, and all the other violent jerks in this world, think gave him the right to go around attacking people who are trying to help him?' 

This isn't John. This isn't the man I know…and I don't think I like it. 

'John please! I…' 

Owww, crap.

Moving. Is. Not. Good. 

I must have let out some kind of cry of pain…not surprising, considering it feels like I've got a thousand knives stabbing into my torso…

__

Not a good analogy Abby.

But whatever, it looks like I got through to him. I feel him sink into a sitting position next to me, and when I can finally push the pain to the back of my mind enough to look up at him…

It's like I'm looking at a different person. 

'It's okay' I whisper. He shakes his head…and he's got that look back, that haunting look. 

'What did that…thing…do to you?' he asks quietly.

'Three broken ribs' 

'Damnit Abby, I'm a doctor. I should know you're not _okay_. But I was too caught up in the politics…' Wow…he actually sounds scared. Scared, upset, angry…and I can't help but feel that's all directed at himself.

'I don't know what to say John, except I'm fine. I'll live; I'll be okay. It was a crappy thing to happen, on a crappy day…'

'But you're not okay! You can't be okay with three broken ribs and…' he lifts my chart, studying it incredulously '…no pain medication' his voice dies away to a whisper as I meet his gaze. 'Abby you must be in agony' 

'It…hurts like hell, yeah' I reach out, gripping his hand in mine. 

'Why haven't you asked for anything?'

'Chuny went to get me some aspirin, she's probably scared to come in though' I reply with a weak laugh.

'I'll go get you some' he decides, standing up and crossing the distance to the door before I have a chance to respond. Accepting the proffered items from Susan, he walks back in, silently handing me the glass of water and pills. I swallow them quickly…knowing all the same that they won't do a hell of a lot to help. 

'Sit down' 

'Why didn't Susan come and get me?' he asks softly, looking straight at me as he takes a seat. 

'Because I asked her not to' I murmur, shaking my head slightly. 'I just…didn't want to upset you. I didn't want this to all be about me' 

'Just because it's…Valentine's Day, doesn't mean I stop thinking about you Abby. I wouldn't have thought any worse of you because of this'

'I'm sorry.' He moves his hand to my cheek, his fingers tracing gentle patterns on my skin. 

'Don't be sorry. God, Abby…' I start to move towards him, feeling that overwhelming urge to hug him again…

And I've gotta remember the broken ribs. 

'Can I take a look?' he asks, as I flop back against the gurney, wincing. I nod and he reaches over, lifting my top gently before letting out a low whistle. 'You must have hit that gurney pretty hard' 

'Hard enough' I agree, offering him a small smile as he touches the surrounding area gently. 'Stop being the doctor' 

'It's instinct' he replies, eventually offering me a small smile. 

'Can you just…take me home?' 

…

I actually don't think I've ever,_ ever_ been in anywhere near as much pain as this. It's verging on unbearable now…and I'm beginning to wish I took them up on their offer of stronger pain medication. 

I hear the door slam shut behind me…and I've never been so glad to be in his apartment before. At least it was only one flight of stairs – I'd have gladly passed out before making it up my three flights. 

I feel his fingertips wipe away the tears I didn't realise had actually reached my cheeks, and I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to focus on something…anything, other than the pain. I eventually release my lip from between my teeth, realising all too late that I was biting hard enough to draw blood. He moves his hand to rest on the back of my neck and kisses my lips gently…

'I know it hurts Ab' he whispers, and I can only nod, leaning my head forward to rest on his shoulder. His hand rubs my back gently…

And have I mentioned lately how much he manages to move me through one little gesture?

'You think you can make it to the bedroom? It'd be decidedly more comfortable.' I answer him with a nod and a slight groan as he slides his arm across my upper back and we begin another slow journey across the apartment. 

'I never thought my ribs would be restricting me. You know what? I _really_ hate not being able to do things' I mutter under my breath, forgetting that our close proximity allows him to hear even the quietest of mumbling on my part. I feel him chuckle slightly, and tighten his grip on me. 

'Good to know that even whilst suffering agonising pain you can still retain your sense of humour' 

'I hate this, I really do' 

'I know baby. It'll get better.' He replies, releasing his grip as I consider the immense task of getting from a standing position to lying on the bed. I grit my teeth, mentally counting to three before attempting to make the transition as quick and painless as possible. He chooses that precise moment to finish his assessment of the world through the window and turns round just in time to see what I can only imagine is a slightly contorted expression on my face as I release a burst of air quickly through pursed lips. 

'Painful' I mutter, to his concerned look. 'Well, more so than it is when I'm still' 

'Do you need anything?' he asks, removing what looks suspiciously like…a bottle of aspirin from his pocket and standing it on the side. He catches my confused look and smiles slightly. 'Susan…uhh, she figured I probably wouldn't have any…lying around. She also said that if you want to take her up on stronger medication she'd sort it out tomorrow. Now…are you sure there's nothing you want?' 

'There's nothing I need' I reply, squeezing his hand gently.

'And you're not just lying so I don't worry about you?' 

'I'm not lying. It hurts but I'll cope' I insist. Seemingly satisfied, he turns as if to leave, and I'm almost surprised to hear my own voice stopping him.

'I said there was nothing I needed…but there is one thing I want…will you stay? Right here, I mean. I just…' he turns round and smiles, walking over to take a seat on the bed next to me. '…Didn't want to be alone' I finish in a whisper, as he stretches his legs out along the bed. I glance briefly at him before bracing my hands on the bed and moving my whole body slightly in order to lean back against him slightly. 

'What are you doing?' 

'It hurts less, lying at this angle' I respond. He seems to adjust to this new position fairly quickly, shifting slightly so he can bring his arms around me, linking his hands together and resting them on my legs, rather than touching my stomach. 'John?' 

'Mmmhmm?' 

'I'm sorry for making your day worse' 

'Abby I already…'

'I know what you already said' I cut him off, bringing my hands to rest on his. 'But I also know when you're being economical with the truth. This on top of everything else can't have done wonders for you' 

'I'll be fine' he replies softly…damn he can be annoying when he's too concerned about my feelings to give his a fleeting thought.

'Well that's what I told you earlier and you still went off on your security rant' I chide gently, as he takes my hands in his gently. 'We've established that I'm currently experiencing something along the lines of the seventh circle of hell…but that's purely physical pain. I just…if you want to talk…' there's a moment of silence…and if I didn't know him better I'd say he was going to go all quiet and withdrawn on me. Although this is a subject we've never really dwelt on before…

'I…don't really _know_ how to talk about it, to be honest. It's just…most people assume that after three years you start to forget. That the memories sort of fade away and everything gets a bit fuzzy around the edges. That you can no longer feel the pain so clearly sometimes that it's as if it's happening all over again. Maybe you don't…remember them quite as often as you used to, but that doesn't mean that when you do think about it you can't recall every detail' 

'Because it's not like a trip to the zoo' I add softly. 'It's something that affects your life from then on. And no matter how hard you might try to repress it…or deal with it and move on, it'll still come back just as clear as when you last thought about it?' 

'Precisely. And it's not just Sobriki I can't seem to forget…its Lucy too. I see bits of her in all the med students who come through the ER. She was a good person – she would have made a great doctor, if she hadn't had that chance taken away from her' I hear his shaky intake of breath and I squeeze his hands tighter, turning my head to see the tears shining in his eyes. 

'She _was_ a good person. I didn't know her for long, but she struck me as the sort of person who made a difference in someone's life just by being the person she was.' I look back down as his fingers trace an absent pattern on my leg, his thoughts clearly focused back on that day.

'You know I used to think that I wanted to forget, but now I realise that remembering what happened is part of what makes me the doctor I am today'

'It's part of what makes you everything you are today. As a doctor, a colleague, a friend, a boyfriend…there's something unique about you, so maybe remembering isn't so bad' I muse softly, as much to myself as to him. 

'Remembering it with someone here is something I can cope with…well, not just with anyone here. But with you I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not.' I catch the hint of love in his voice, conflicting with the sheer emotion of the day. 

'No one can survive keeping everything bottled up. Sometimes you just need to share things – talk, laugh, cry, whatever the memories mean to you.' I twist my head round again, placing a kiss on his cheek, close to the corner of his mouth. 

'I just…wish it hadn't been a day that was so widely celebrated. It means that everyone who was at County then…remembers. And the general hype surrounding the day doesn't help – all the build up, how much people talk about it…'

'Sometimes its nice to just be able to remember it privately instead of it being a focus publicly as well?' I ask, his comments reminding me of something I've had planned for a while…which doesn't seem entirely appropriate now, yet it would be even less so if I don't do it tonight. 'John…on the floor just underneath the bed, there's a box. Will you get it for me?' I state softly, smiling at his unspoken consideration as he makes sure not to cause me any more pain by supporting my back with one hand whilst leaning over to retrieve the box. 

We settle back into our previous position and he hands me the box, clearly confused. I turn it over a couple of times in my hands.

'What is it?' he asks gently, clearly relaxing slightly. 

'I…well I was going to give this to you today, before everything happened. And it seems a little ironic now, but…' I trail off, handing the box back to him. He opens it and slides the item out and I turn my head to watch the expression on his face, knowing all too well what it is. 

The idea first came into my head when Susan gave us that set of photos at Christmas and he commented that we should have this one framed. I normally don't like pictures like this – I've always thought it was too public an expression of something private. But he seems to be changing my mind all over the place – as far as I remember it was a pretty special moment…well, as much as kissing under the mistletoe can be! 

So anyway, I found a frame and a pretty fitting quotation. 

'Here's to new traditions…' he whispers, a slight catch in his voice. So now you see the irony of the whole situation. 'Abby…'

'I know' I stop him, bringing his hand to my lips and kissing the back gently. 'I just…wanted you to know what I was feeling. And it was a little more appropriate when I wrote it' 

'You have a knack of rendering me speechless Abby' 

'I'm not so good with actually saying things, but I couldn't let today go by without showing you that I'm…not planning on going anywhere for a while…and not just because the actual moving would probably lead me to pass out from the pain.' 

I feel his hands rubbing my arms gently, and he brings his head forward to rest on my shoulder. I lift a hand to cup his cheek, and my fingers come into contact with damp skin.

Whoa. I never meant to make him cry. 

'There's no one I'd want with me today apart from you' he comments slowly. 'I'm sorry that idiot hurt you today' now it's his turn to bring my fingers to his lips, kissing them gently. 

'As long as I've got you taking care of me, it doesn't seem so bad' 

'I'll always take care of you' he confirms. 'How's the pain?'

'Pretty bad…and the aspirin's making me a little drowsy' I reply, closing my eyes as he brings his hands to a resting place once again on my legs. 

'Go to sleep then, it'll do you good' 

'Promise me you'll still be here when I wake up?' 

'I'm not going anywhere' he murmurs close to my ear, before I feel him settling back against the pillows. 

Maybe I do like the combination of doctor and boyfriend…sleep does seem like the perfect solution right now…

On the other hand, maybe it's just him who makes me feel safe.

****

A/N 2: Well I hope you enjoyed my latest venture into their little world – I do feel quite bad about hurting Abby – I don't really have any desire to cause her pain! Anyway – the next chapter **_will_** come; I just can't guarantee when, what with school and everything taking up more of my time. Just don't give up on me! Feedback would be much appreciated, here or at surrender_something@hotmail.com 


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